And lo, on a day with no humidity and a nice breeze, Derek Jeter hustled down from the Bronx with a ton of heart and a tablet made out of pizza. On it were these 36 commandments that he gave to all New Yorkers, so that they may traverse sidewalks in peace, tolerate subway cars, and enjoy all the bounty the city has upon its shores.
And the tablet read:
1. Have a favorite pizza spot
And be prepared to defend it TO THE DEATH. Same goeseth for burgers.
2. Complain loudly about NYC, while also arguing intensely about its superiority to outsiders
Only we can make fun of our apartment size.
3. Be familiar with the grid system
It’s really very easy.
4. Drink at a neighborhood bar
The beer just tastes better there.
5. Explore thine Goddamn city
You should love and appreciate your neighborhood, sure, but get out there and check out some places you wouldn’t otherwise go.
6. Hate Chicago-style hot dogs
All that stuff on there is just nonsense, and there’s nothing wrong with just getting one from a street vendor and covering it in ketchup.
7. Acknowledge NYC’s history and be respectful of it
Ignorance is not bliss.
8. Go to a museum
Or the opera, or a gallery, or a Broadway show, or something that actually takes advantage of the culture we have here, especially if you’re going to cite it as a reason you’re living here (which you do).
9. Agreeth that NY bagels are the best in the entire world
Because they are.
10. Covet thy neighbor's apartment
Especially if it has a washer and dryer or outdoor space.
11. Be able to recognize when a cabbie is attempting to take you the wrong way
And speak up about it.
12. Haveth a system for Trader Joe's
One person in line, one person shopping.
16. Have a love/hate relationship with Eli Manning
Yes, he breathes with his mouth open, but he also won two Super Bowls. So...
18. Considereth letting Dan Smith teach you guitar
He’s probably very good.
19. Know of at least one secret bar or restaurant
Though if it’s great, you're probably better off keeping it to yourself.
THOU SHALT NOT…
1. Be a jerk on the subway
Just don’t do it, no leaning on the pole, no trying to get in before people get out, basically just no being a jerk.
2. Stop in the middle of the sidewalk to have a conversation
Pull it over or everyone will hate you.
3. Root for the Yankees AND the Mets
You don’t have to hate the other team, but you do have to pick.
4. Be grossed out easily
Yeah that’s a dead rat in a pile of hot garbage covered in pee, so?
10. Give more than a friendly head nod or wave to thine neighbors
Nobody wants to stop and talk in the stairwell or have an awkward convo in the elevator, there are plenty of other opportunities for making friends.
11. Quote Sex and the City
Even if it was an incredibly influential show, we don’t want to hear it anymore.
12. Hate on other people’s nightlife choices
If someone wants to wait in line all night for models and bottles that’s fine, if someone wants to drink his face off with whiskey and beer in a dive bar, that’s also totally fine, the important thing is we have the best of both options.
13. Use a Citi Bike if you have no idea what you’re doing
Just because you CAN use them, doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
14. Go out in or near Times Square
Maybe if you work nearby you can do a happy hour, MAYBE.
15. Be tricked by dubious real estate listings
If it sounds too good to be true, it is.
16. Taketh the city for granted
It’s the best in the world, Dude-tholomew.