50 Signs You're a New York City Douchebag
There are 8 million people in New York City, and approximately 7.999 million of them are douchebags. Are you one of 'em? Probably. Especially if you're tripping one of these 50 red flags that broadly define our peculiar brand of chest-thumping, money-fueled, screw-everyone-but-me Five Boroughs douchery. Sound like any New Yorkers you know?
1. You keep a car because "it's nice to have for groceries and stuff"
Ugh.
2. You have a rent-controlled apartment
Ughhhhhhhhhhh.
3. You're from Bronxville but you tell people you're from the Bronx
You know damn well this isn't true.
4. You refer to everything north of Yonkers as "upstate"
You know damn well this isn't, either.
5. You talk trash about Queens even though you've never been there
Citi Field doesn't count.
6. Your parents pay ANY of your rent, but you still complain about money
Get your sh** together.
7. You can remember the last time you partied in the Meatpacking
Or you can't, because it was SOOOOOOOO EPIC.
8. You clip your nails on the subway
9. You ask your bartender to plug in your phone before ordering a drink
10. You refer to things as "the new Williamsburg"
Or "hyper local." Or "highly leveraged." Or "swag."
11. You lean your entire body on the pole instead of holding it
12. You catcall women on the street
Actually, make that anywhere. Including Whole Foods.
13. You're nine out of 10 real estate brokers
14. You bring your child to the bar
15. You have season tickets, but only go "with clients"
This applies to all teams, but slightly less so if it's the Knicks, because those games are genuinely hard to sit through these days.
16. You go to rooftop parties, cast your hands skyward, and yell, "We gonna run this town tonight / aayyyy-ayyyyyyyy-ayyyyy-ayyyyyyyy"
17. Your monthly Uber bill is comparable to your monthly rent
Important note: surge pricing is not "unfair" if you willingly agree to pay it before calling your car. Please shut up.
18. You wore the same blue button-down to Oyster Fest that everyone else wore to Oyster Fest
Throughout the day, you continue undoing buttons. By nightfall, you will look like Tommy Bahama's corporate brother-in-law. You think this is a good look.
19. You pay $5,000 for a summer share in Montauk because the Hamptons are full of rich douchebags
20. You don't see the big deal about a dive bar closing to make way for a 7-Eleven
"Gentrification is really just making the city better, when you think about it."
21. You stand on the left side of the escalator
22. You walk three abreast on sidewalks with your friends Chad & Steve
It's impossible to get past you.
23. You blast music from your phone speaker in lieu of headphones
24. You buy incredibly expensive things at Brooklyn Flea because they look "rustic"
It's the repurposed milk-crate bookshelf your apartment always needed!
25. You play full-scale football games at Sheep Meadow during peak sunbathing hours
26. You upstream people hailing cabs
27. You think going to Williamsburg is an adventure
28. You drink vodka sodas for the taste
Poured from the overpriced bottles you ordered just for the sparklers.
29. You refer to your SoulCycle instructor as your "muse"
30. You're disappointed in your bodega's craft beer selection, which is "just so-so"
31. You complain about how cold it is in the middle of winter
32. Your base of nightlife operations is a fake Irish bar that only plays hip-hop/pop music
You think you know the Irish bartender by name. That's not really his name, and he's not actually Irish.
33. You find it impossible to not scream outside the bar
Even though the sign politely requests that you do not scream outside the bar.
34. You compare work colleagues to characters from American Psycho
And you mean it as a term of endearment.
35. You frequently start sentences with "Say what you want about Giuliani, but..."
36. You take pictures of "graffiti" that a brand installed outside its store
37. You manspread
38. You aggressively challenge the "New Yorkness" of everyone you meet
"If you weren't born here, then you're NOT a real New Yorker."
39. You CANNOT BELIEVE that this cab won't pick you up outside 13th Step after last call
Maybe it's because you're vomming explosively while charging it like a rhinoceros sponsored by Vineyard Vines, bro.
40. You question the sanctity and/or sanitariness of dollar pizza
41. You think Hoboken is basically the same as Brooklyn
You think the PATH is basically the same as the subway, too, don't you?
42. You gripe about how New York is "worse than it used to be"
43. You've gone to the West Village just to Tinder
44. You walk into Manitoba's and proclaim, "I love this place!"
Everyone there hates you because you have health insurance.
45. You wait in line for brunch when there are a billion other brunch places you could go to
46. You spit your gum on the sidewalk, or leave your dog's poo there
You are contributing to the deterioration of this once-great society.
47. You hate everyone who's "ruining" Bushwick, where you moved last year
48. You expect cars to avoid you, even though you're jaywalking
49. You expect pedestrians with the right-of-way to avoid you...
... even though you're biking against traffic.
50. You write lists like this
Or comment to ask me if I was born here (I wasn't), then tell me this list is "invalid." Go ahead, do it -- every New Yorker is a douchebag sometimes.
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Dave Infante is a writer-at-large for Thrillist and a colossal douchebag. Follow @dinfontay on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat.