New York

28 Things That Are Guaranteed to Piss Off Any New Yorker

"Just 28?" is the first thing some clever scallywags probably thought. And while, yes, "waking up" and "other people having the gall to exist", plus infinity other things, tick off residents of the five boroughs, we consider these the most egregious, most annoying, most "are you $#*@!@$ serious right now with this?" people, places, and things that truly piss us off.

1. Paying rent

We understand that this has to happen, but we still get pissed. The average rent in New York City is about $3,000. The median price for buying a house in America is $188,000. Do a little math and that means two things:

    1.    The typical yearly rent in New York City is about the same as a 20% down payment on the average house.
    2.    The Universe is uncaring and you will die alone in a studio apartment fire caused by the hot plate a broker described as an "amenity."

2. Stepping into a corner slush puddle of mysterious depth

Is it 2in deep? 3ft? Only one way to find out! And now you have typhus.

3. Hearing "we're delayed because of train traffic ahead of us, please be patient"

You be #@*!@# patient, robot voice man!

4. Getting kicked in the face by a showtime kid

Which will only be mitigated by that sweet trick where one of them drops his hat BUT THEN HE CATCHES THE HAT (OMFG).

5. When a cab driver won't go where you want

"Oh. My machine is broken. Look." (mashes random buttons on the radio and, like, the gear shift) "Sorry." It’s BS and we hate it.

6. Encountering one of the many mysteriously wealthy bro cultures

Trust fund art bros, tech startup bros, finance bros, euro bros, bridge & tunnel bros -- they’re like beautiful, equally terrible snowflakes.

7. Getting upstreamed for a cab

World Wars have started for less.

8. When those dudes ask "are you Jewish?" on the street

But then they don’t ask certain people? So, then you walk away and start thinking… "Do I look Jewish or something? Oh God is that racist? Or is it anti-semitic?? Crap.” Thanks for that thought process, dicks.

9. When some jabroni tries to give you a mixtape on the street

Not only are you a scammer, but you also think a real New Yorker is 1) a tourist, and 2) going to fall for this.

10. When that other squad of jabronis tries to sell you double-decker bus tickets

Or passes to the Empire State Building. What is that? Is that a scam? Does anyone even know?

11. When you see bad drivers

Watch where you’re #@!$(*! going!

12. When you see bad pedestrians

Watch where you’re #@!$(*! going!

13. When you see bad bicyclists

Watch where you’re #@!$(*! going!

14. When you see bad rollerbladers

Just kidding. Nobody can stay mad at spotting one of these cool dads in the wild.

15. When your neighborhood gentrifies

Just what this neighborhood needs, a Marc Jacobs bespoke tea kooziér!

16. When your neighborhood doesn't gentrify

Is this a heritage brand crack rock?

17. Getting yelled at by a street preacher

You have every right to yell weird things on the street, and New Yorkers have every right to hope a chocolate bar melts in your pants pocket every day for the rest of your life.

18. When someone stops at the top of the train staircase in front of you

You should have to go back in time to buckle-hat America and get branded with a giant "A" for a-hole as punishment.

19. When a little kid starts screaming in a restaurant

People are paying beaucoup bucks for black truffle risotto handmade by specially flown-in Italian gypsies. Keep your kid at home... where you probably have a nanny hand-spinning lamb dumplings. The child will be fine.

20. Watching the Knicks try to run the triangle offense

So weird that Phil Jackson’s mystic yoga karma game plan doesn’t work when it doesn’t have AT LEAST TWO OF THE GREATEST PLAYERS TO EVER PLAY BASKETBALL running it.

21. Looking at the Yankees' payroll

They paid the entire GDP of the Cook Islands to have the 8th best record in the American League.

22. The Jets. Just the Jets.


23. When your favorite restaurant doesn't have online delivery

What are you supposed to do, call them like some kind of barbarian?

24. When someone makes you go to Times Square

Come for the Red Lobster, stay for the tourists staring at all the pretty blinking lights. Also, those caricature artists are always so much wacker than the "samples" of "their" work would have you believe.

25. When people have poor sidewalk etiquette

Don’t walk more than two across. Don’t walk slowly. Don’t have an umbrella the size of the Sydney Opera House. How hard is that? Apparently extremely hard.

26. Hearing the two worst words ever: "last call"

Yeah, last call everywhere else is like 10pm or whatever and we get 4am. SO WHAT. IT SHOULD BE LATER. FOREVER. DRINKS SHOULD NEVER STOP BEING SERVED. This is New York -- most of us don’t even go out until 2am.

27. When people complain

Especially complaining about people who complain about complainers. They’re the worst.

28. Telling us there's a "crippling" and "historic" blizzard when there isn't one

What the hell are we supposed to do with all these batteries and kale now huh?

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Jesse was born in Beth Israel hospital sometime in the 1980s and continues to live here now. You can angrily disagree with him via Twitter.

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