24 Things You Don't Understand About the LIRR (Unless You Ride It Every Day)
Commuting anywhere is pretty much the worst, but commuting on the LIRR every day is its own special brand of worst, one that people who don’t spend hours of their lives jockeying for position near the Big Board simply do not understand. Well, if you ever want to help them grasp it, even just a little, send them this list of 24 things they need to know. For those of us who do know, it's time to commiserate.
1. Blocking the Departure Board is one of the worst things you can do
The even worst-er thing you can do? Blocking the Departure Board while also talking loudly on your cell phone about vesting schedules.
2. Penn Station's main corridor is filled with people tracking you with their iPhone GPS...
... to make SURE they crash into you without looking up. And they're very, very good at it.
3. Yes that's a line for the escalator at the 7th Ave exit of Penn Station
So, yes, you ARE cutting the line, asshole. Somehow the Amtrak passengers upstairs just naturally know how to stand in a line but LIRR people just swarm and look for weakness.
4. If you've got a single-trip ticket, expect nothing but disrespect from people with monthlies.
In prison, you'd be washing our laundry and wearing a lipstick of our choosing.
5. The NYPD and US Military are both inside Penn Station
And they don't talk to each other and they don't want to talk to you, even if the Rangers won.
6. If you have to use a bathroom in Penn Station walk in strong and crazy, like prison
That way, the crazies waiting for you inside realize you're a gift best left unopened.
7. Don't expect the LIRR conductors to enforce ANY rules
Feet-up? Bags on seats? Casino table gambling? Your friendly neighborhood conductor comes to work unhappy and leaves unhappy. They basically hate humanity. You're on your own.
8. NEVER just grab the front of a woman's baby stroller and lift it up
Don't assume she wants you to help her carry the baby-and-stroller up a flight of stairs. Wonderful gesture but ASK first.
9. Sorry, but your bag is your problem, and doesn't get a seat
If you can't lift it up to the overhead rack or it doesn't fit (yes they are smaller than the last time you rode and can barely fit a paper bag with a normal-sized sandwich in it), that does NOT give you the right to take up a seat with it. Go stand by the door -- if it's that big you can probably sit on it.
10. Your LIRR christening is the first time you stand up...
... and slam your head into that very same overhead rack. You can start counting the days of the rest of your life from that moment forward.
11. The quickest way to get everyone else to hate you is to put your feet up on the seats
If you put your feet up on the seats, your parents never really loved you and deep down inside you knew it but haven't faced it yet. Bring it up in Group.
12. There's only ONE phone call that should ever take place on the LIRR
"It's me, I'm on the 6:30, should get there at 7:30, bye." That takes ten seconds. Anything more than that is forbidden.
13. Napping is okay, sleeping is not
If you want to doze off, don't sit in the aisle seat and get all pissy when we wake your drooling ass up.
14. Changing at Jamaica is God's way of culling the weak
Woe unto thee who remembers at the last second to change at Jamaica, and jumps up in full panic from a window seat at the middle of a car, screaming "GETTING OFF! GETTING OFF!!!", only to have to fight through a wave of humanity entering the car since all the not-dumb people changing at Jamaica have exited already. Yours is a special place in Hell.
15. Oh, and that giant Europa sign outside the Jamaica station? It’s not worth investigating.
Some night when you’ve had a few too many styrofoam zippy cups of beer you'll decide to finally go check it out -- fair warning, there're things in there you can't unsee. Leave it alone.
16. Wanna use a laptop? Fine.
But lay your work crap all over the seats during morning rush hour and then have the nerve to get huffy when someone asks you to move it, and we'll slam your penis in your Dell.
17. Apparently nobody knows how to fold a paper, or has an iPad
There was once a time-honored tradition of reading newspapers on the LIRR that involved vertical paper-folding so as to minimize your morning wingspan. Unfortunately that tradition seems to have died somewhere along the way. It's your job to help un-die it.
18. Saving a seat for someone is not okay
This isn’t a middle school assembly, so no, I won’t look for another seat.
19. Respect the damn walkway
Get your legs and elbows out of the aisle. That is what we call a walkway. It's like parking your car across the sidewalk. Plus, you always lose because the guy walking has all the momentum.
20. Inevitably someone is going to try and eat their dinner/breakfast/lunch near you
Anyone who opens Tupperware on the LIRR is a nasal terrorist. Your wonderfully fragrant food is only delicious to you.
21. A peep show floor is cleaner than the floor on LIRR trains
But for some reason there are still people who take their shoes off.
22. Nobody uses the train bathroom
And if you do, we can't be friends anymore.
23. There are six simple keys to LIRR victory
Pee before Penn, bring decent headphones, don’t bring food, walk straight and look up, take only one seat, get up 60 seconds before your station. Was that so hard?
24. On second thought, there’s really just one key
Don’t be an asshole.
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LIRR Guy runs a Twitter handle dedicated to the adventures of LIRR commuting. Follow him and the craziness at @LIRRguy.