"Recently renovated": Between tenants, multiple plumbers went and sledgehammered various surfaces while smoking four packs of unfiltered cigarettes each, then jacked copper fittings from the condemned building next door. Also: there’s a condemned building next door!
"Exposed brick": The contractor ran out of sheetrock, which is perfect, because you’ve always said you wanted to pay an extra $50/month to have masonry cement crumble into your clothes/bed/food.
"Rooftop access": Either 1) it’s a high rise, and the beautifully finished sun deck will be crawling with roughly 400 Blue Moon-drinking I-bankers wearing “America: Back 2 Back World War Champs” beach tanks, or 2) it's a walk-up, and you’ll lose three pairs of Havaianas to the melty tar paper. In both cases, it’s worthless nine months out of the year.
"Live-in super": A basement-dwelling caretaker who blacks himself out on home-distilled grain liquor every damn day. You’d call the cops, but then there’d be no one to fix your radiator. You lose sleep knowing that this man has a key to your apartment.
"Elevator building": The only tenant brave enough to use that 3'x3’ metal death-box is Muriel, the ancient, rent-control-holdout on the ninth floor who drinks grain liquor with the super and gambles her social security checks up at Aqueduct twice a month. She’s twice the man you’ll ever be.