Why I'll Never Go Home With Someone From These 9 NYC Bars

Editor's Note: Welcome to Sex On Friday, our new every-Friday column where we're gonna cover all things sex, dating, and sex while dating in and around NYC. Stay sexy, NYC.

It's not easy to find love at a New York City bar, but what you can easily find is someone to go home with at 3am. (So I've heard. I've never done this.) When it comes to bars in New York, I've found that not all are created equal when it comes to go-home-with-iness. So, just so we can all get on the same page, here are the nine bars where I'll never go home with someone I meet.

Midtown
In theory, hotel bars are great spots to meet guys to go home with. “Home” is literally upstairs, and you might even get room service out of it in the morning (#gentleman). But Midtown hotel bars are another story. First, if he's not in New York on business then he chose to stay in Midtown, which proves he makes horrible life choices. But chances are he’s in New York on business, in which case he is most definitely married.
 

Astoria
If you’re here, you’re confused. You were looking for Astoria’s other beer garden, or so I learned when I stumbled into this over-priced, over-douched, “we’re not sure exactly what we want to be” version of New York’s beer gardens. (Case in point: no beer garden should have velvet ropes.) Part sports bar, part music venue, part outdoor drinking lounge (I refuse to acknowledge this as a beer garden), this is a cornucopia of waxed chests and gelled hair. The only possible excuse for going home with someone here? The chilled shot dispenser.
 

Williamsburg
This notorious Williamsburg meat market is prime breeding ground for early hipsters first discovering beanies, bicycles, and plaid. I don’t consider it a turn-on when you have to sign me into your NYU dorm.
 

Park Slope
The complete opposite of Union Pool. See: all the strollers.

Midtown
As impressive as I think it is that you and 25 of your closest bro-workers are here because you won a free happy hour, I don’t know what “capitalization rates” are so please stop saying those words to me.
 

West Village
I don’t want to go home with anyone from the Top of the Standard because I secretly want to go home with everyone from the Top of the Standard. An air-tight guest list and a bouncer who moonlights as a modeling scout ensures that all the guys here are unfathomably hot. Unfortunately my quirky (adorable?) sense of humor can’t pull you away from that girl with legs that go up to the ceiling. It’s cool, though. I didn’t want to hook up with you anyway.

Multiple locations
You will end up going to New Jersey. Leave immediately.

East Village
A die-hard Red Sox bar. You have no place here unless you're donning the iconic B. I could literally be Angelina Jolie, naked, holding a pitcher of free beer with gremlins dancing around the rim, and it would not matter. The only physical contact I have ever scored here was passionate high-fives when the Yankees lost.

Murray Hill
Remember those people I didn’t go home with from Studio Square (seriously, it never happened)? This is where they go in winter, when drinking outside becomes less fun. I’m pretty sure when Whitney was talking about wanting to dance with somebody, she did not mean a pack of white men all wearing the same black button-down shirt.

Sign up here for our daily NYC email and be the first to get all the food/drink/fun New York has to offer.

Meagan Drillinger is a freelance writer for Thrillist. None of this was based on personal experience. Follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram at @drillinjourneys.