The 25 Paris Commandments
And lo, Mayor Anne Hidalgo crossed the Seine and descended upon the Place du la Mairie with two tablets and a bottle of red and gave unto the people of the City of Light a list of 25 commandments, which if followed, the citizens of Paris may live happily with no public transportation strikes, never step in dog poop, and always find a good baguette.
1. Have thine favorite bistro
Preferably within close walking distance of your apartment. The staff will recognize you, and may even know your name, sort of like Cheers, except classier and with more boeuf bourguignon.
2. Accompanyeth tourists to the Eiffel Tower
But never go there under any other circumstances. Except for 14 Juillet fireworks.
3. Knoweth how to identify a good croissant
Eating an industrial one is the act of mere heathens.
4. Wine thyself
Whenever thy doth feel like it.
5. Goeth on vacation
Regularly. Preferably every single weekend.
6. Attend weekend cultural events... and thy doth be able to discuss them cometh Monday
There are more than 70 museums here you imbeciles!
7. Own a little dog
Which shalt sit on cafe chairs.
8. Always have a work of the grandest literature in your bag
So thou can readeth in a park.
9. Have a fresh baguette sticking out of your bag
Thou art a Parisian, dammit.
10. Eat patisseries orientales
Because French pastries can get boring. Try La Rose de Tunis.
11. Overpay for brunch
It shall be worth it.
12. Look both ways even when the light shineth green
Because scooters. And taxis.
13. Recognize and identify at least 10 types of French cheese
There are over 350. If you can’t do at least 10, thou doth not deserve to make the Parisian streets thine home.
THOU SHALT NOT...
1. Moulin Rouge
2. Stand in line for new burger joints
They’re JUST burgers.
3. Have a wardrobe with too many colors
Black is the new everything.
4. Join a fitness club
You’re a Parisian, mon dieu.
5. Buy an apartment in the suburbs for more space
6. Be shocked by public urination
Or contribute to it.
7. Leaveth thine iPhone on the dinner table
Eating time is thine holiest time and the wrath of God shall be scorned upon you should you sin.
8. Drink at the ungodly Irish pubs
Thou art not an Erasmus student.
9. Taketh offense to anyone staring at thyself
It’s not you, it’s them.
10. Get intoxicated at lunch
You may drink, but Parisians know how to holdeth their alcohol.
11. Sit at the first row of chairs on a cafe terrace
Unless you have an American Express Platinum in your wallet.
12. Be shocked at the price of a Perrier in the 7th
The Hermes scarves should have tipped you off.