Lifestyle

The 22 Worst People You’ll Meet on SEPTA

Unless you’re using it to get to the nearest bar, or you just found a token on the sidewalk, SEPTA is pretty much the worst. But you know what’s even worst-er? The people you find on Philly’s (in)famous public transit system. Here are 22 kinds of people you should avoid at all costs...
 

1. Blaring headphones dude

You might think this guy is terrible, until you meet...
 

2. I-don’t-even-need-headphones dude

We’re so glad you took it upon yourself to share your acute musical sensibilities with us by using your iPhone like a personal boombox.

3. The pole hog

Maybe Philly isn’t as aggressive about public transit etiquette as NYC or DC, but please stop treating the pole like your long-lost BFF, or your pull-up bar.
 

4. Tweens getting out of school

All giggly in knee socks and sweater vests and bursting with pubescent feelings.
 

5. The stealthy Instagrammer

Philly has some great Instagrammers, but the last thing you want is your picture on "People of SEPTA."
 

6. The college bros afraid to sit next to each other

So instead they take up four separate benches on the train only to wind up sitting next to a stranger when the car fills up.

7. Unicorn man

OMFG.
 

8. The outside-sitting manspreader

Do they have to do that AND make it harder for you to get the inside seat?
 

9. The stressed-out person charging their phone

Most people don’t realize there are a few outlets on most SEPTA trains... but oh, this person knows.
 

10. The belligerent college student sassing the train conductor

Most likely riding the last train back to the ‘burbs on a Saturday night.

11. The vomiting Eagles fan

Getting traces of hot dog and Yuengling on his crisp white jersey.
 

12. The high school summer program taking the MFL for the first time

It’s like when preschoolers hold hands while their teacher walks them down the street, except the high schoolers are slower.
 

13. The couple that’s, like, so in love

They take selfies of themselves cuddling in the reflection of the train window and then it’s back to smooching.
 

14. The person eating leftovers 

During rush hour, out of Tupperware, with a silver fork.

15. Bike guy

Bike guy loves his bike, until he has to carry it onto SEPTA and everyone starts throwing some serious shade.
 

16. The people who don’t know it’s the quiet car

Nobody else is talking, people. Nobody except the conductor, who’s saying, “First car is the quiet ride car.”
 

17. The cell phone talker who miraculously has service even underground

So obviously the conversation never stops. Ever.

18. The person transporting curiously cumbersome items

Some recent examples: one half of a garbage can. An empty laundry basket. A shopping cart. Six reusable bags.
 

19. Anyone on St. Patrick’s Day

You will probably have beer on some part of your person by the time you get off the train.
 

20. The “Wake me in Norristown?” guy

Little does he know you’re getting off in Manayunk.
 

21. The phantom litterer

Where they are now, nobody knows. We have only the remnants of a peeled banana and a plastic bottle full of urine to prove they were ever here.

22. Philly Jesus

Aw, jk. That guy is awesome. Wait, is that a snake?!

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Marielle Mondon is a Philly-born editor and freelance writer. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram at @MarielleMondon.