40 Signs You're a Philadelphia Douchebag

There are 1.5 million people in Philadelphia, and approximately 1.499 million of them are douchebags. Are you one of 'em? Probably. Especially if you're tripping one of these 40 red flags that broadly define our peculiar brand of chest-thumping, booze-fueled, screw-everyone-if-they’re-not-an-Eagles fan douchery. Sound like anyone you know?

Flickr/Joseph Gruber

1. You’re a Philly sports fan

There’s a reason everyone thinks that we have the worst fans in America.

2. You’ve already purchased a Tim Tebow jersey


3. You wear a Phillies jersey in January


4. You’re Ruben Amaro

No explanation needed.

5. You’re willing to fight an old woman for a foul ball


6. You only go to Chinatown after midnight

There’s more to Chinatown than drunken dumplings at David’s Mai Lai Wah.

Philadelphia Eagles

7. You bust out an Eagles chant at inappropriate times

Which, as it turns out, is any time you aren’t actively watching a ‘Birds game.

8. You’ve never been to one of the city's BYOBs


9. You’ve taken the Erin Express this past year...

... and you’re over the age of, like, 22. OK, maybe 25.

10. You still go out on Friday nights in Manayunk and you’re over 30


11. You were sad when McFadden’s closed


12. You mock Jersey but still go there for your gas, groceries, and, of course, the shore


13. You moved back from NYC but can’t stop talking about how much better things are in NY

We liked it better when you were living there too.

14. You drive 20mi under or 30mi over the speed limit on Kelly or Lincoln Drive


15. You have a car in the city but never move it


16. You’re Howard Eskin


17. You’ve eaten a Philly taco

It’s even worse if that’s why you were on South Street to begin with.

Flickr/Michael W Murphy

18. You spend your weekend mornings rowing on the Schuylkill

Good for you. Most of us (me) prefer to spend Saturday morning shamefully eating leftover pizza and watching Netflix.

19. You left your credit card at Ladder last night


20. You save your parking spot with an old chair

Just because it’s a Philly thing doesn’t make it acceptable.

21. You hold up traffic taking a selfie in front of City Hall


22. You went to the Prep


23. You work for the PPA

Flickr/Peter Miller

24. You’ve only visited the Museum of Art to run the Rocky steps


25. You ignore the personal space rule on the benches at Rittenhouse Square

Just like the urinal at work, don’t take the middle spot.

26. You lost my bag the last time I flew out of Philly

So this applies to 99% of all people working at the airport.

27. You go to Parc to “people watch”

We guess it’s not creepy if you are paying $15 for a glass of wine.

28. You are willing to wait in a line that stretches into the parking lot at Trader Joe's

Nothing is worth waiting in line for that long. Besides, Wegmans > Trader Joe's.

29. You’re a driver that doesn’t understand what the bike lanes are for


30. You’re very Philly


31. You humblebrag about how easy the Broad Street Run was

Listen. It might not be the hardest race in the world but it’s still 10mi.

32. You’ve been to the Wing Bowl


33. You take out your trash days before trash night

Flickr/Mandy Jansen

34. You cruise up and down South Street trying to show off

Nice rims on a crappy car = crappy car.

35. You litter

Stop. Trashing. Our. City.

36. The only time you leave PA is to head down the Shore

37. You only order lagers at the bar

38. You complain about how bad the drivers are in Philadelphia

Every city has terrible drivers, suck it up.

39. You’re a terrible tipper

Restaurant workers rely on tips, Shady.

40. You don’t have a sense of humor about lists like this

Like we said before, every city has its fair share. So don’t lose that edge that makes Philly, Philly. E.A.G.L.E.S. EAGLES.

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