18 things you have to explain to out-of-towners about Philly

Philadelphia is the City of Brotherly Love, which means if your brother, sister, mom, or that couch-surfing guy you know from college shows up, you can't really tell 'em to go home so that you can go back to eating some pretty darn good brunch. And unfortunately, you can't just ignore all their questions, either, so we answered most of 'em for you by listing 18 things you have to explain to out-of-towners about Philly.

1. No one goes to the Liberty Bell
Except around a million tourists a year… and they don’t count.

2. And no one goes to South Street anymore, either
Unless you’re looking for head shops, teen flash mobs, or a nipple piercing. Or Jim’s Steaks and Bridget Foy’s… ok, so maybe people do go to South Street, they just don’t admit it...

3. They don’t call it the Sure-Kill river for nothing
So don’t swim in it.

4. Don’t go any farther North than about Temple University
Or much farther West than UPenn. Or too far South... um, you probably better just stay in the middle.

bike race
City of Philadelphia

5. If you ride a bike, it will get stolen
In April, 15 bikes (around $22K-worth) got stolen… from a charity ride. What kind of chance do you think yours has?

6. No, we won’t drive you to the KOP (King of Prussia) Mall
Unless you want to sit in the parking lot that passes for I-76 breathing exhaust fumes for a few hours.

7. You pay for parking at the kiosk... 
... and no, we don't know why you can only pay the maximum for 20 minutes. Or why all the "pay" arrows only face up. Or… wait, $2.50 for a single hour?!?!

8. No one rides the trolley line
Unless there is a destination point for beer like McNally’s Tavern.

cheeseteak thrillist

9. Yes, we do like cheesesteaks THAT much
So you'd better get one at Pat's, or Geno's, or Jim's... or do what we do, and eat 13 of 'em. In one day.

10. SEPTA really is that bad
They try so badly to be like the NYC subway, and totally nail the long waits, delays, and poor customer service part, but not much else.

11. There is no such thing as a stop sign in South Philly
Just a look-and-glide-through sign. Trust us, they'll give you some rude gestures if you do actually stop.

12. Jawn means… everything
A person, place, or thing. “That jawn, Jon, is going down to the beer jawn to get some jawns.”

citizens bank park

13. We're so sick of hearing about how horrible our sports fans are
I mean, sure we booed Santa Claus, and Donovan McNabb when he got drafted, and, yeah, we'll gladly key opposing fans' cars, and... err, wait. Nevermind.

14. Wooder, or wudder, means water
And it's a hoagie, not a sub or a grinder, we put jimmies on our ice cream, and whiz wit is what you should be ordering at Pat's.

City of Philadelphia

15. We don’t really understand Mummers, either
Just think of their New Year’s parade, or anything else they’re involved in, as an excuse to drink.

16. Our donuts are better than yours
Exhibit A: The Donnoli. Exhibit B: Completely unnecessary.

17. We’ve got the best burgers in the country
And those are just the ones from PYT… to say nothing of all our other great ones.

18. New York? %^*# ‘em!
Philly's always been better than NYC (seriously!), but now we've got more crime, too! We aren’t nicknamed Killadelphia for nothin’.