The 99 Problems With Phoenix
Phoenix does a lot of things amazingly well, but despite what Kanye would have you believe, nobody's perfect. The Valley has its fair share of problems just like everyone else -- in fact, it has precisely 99 of them...
1. Today's forecast? The same as the last 300 days.
2. Summer is equivalent to living on the face of the sun
3. Everyone suffers from allergies
4. If you somehow don’t get allergies, there’s always Valley Fever
5. The so-called cold tap water never gets truly cold
6. Scorpions in the house are a reality
7. Scorpions inside those shoes you left outside are a reality
8. No matter where you start from, your destination is a half hour away
9. The city has some of the worst air pollution in the country
10. Despite just hosting the Super Bowl, our biggest national claim to fame is Jodi Arias
11. Javelinas adorably attacking your garbage
12. The summers can be unbearably hot
13. You can’t leave anything with a melting point below 300F in your car
14. And don’t forget to take that bottle of water with you when you get out of the car, unless you like drinking liquid fire
16. Getting in or out of a pool without a cool deck is like walking across hot lava
17. Homeowners associations are the norm
18. There's no true “Downtown”
19. Most big concert tours tend to skip over us in favor of Vegas
20. We’re about an hour from the nation’s largest nuclear power plant
21. Public transportation? What public transportation?
22. Texting while driving is legal
23. ... but you can still get arrested with a DUI even if you’re under the legal limit
24. Everything is beige... houses, buildings, landscapes...
25. Sunscreen is mandatory
26. Sheriff Joe
27. The people who keep re-electing Sheriff Joe
28. Wait. It gets worse. Sheriff Joe hired actor Steven Seagal to train his volunteer posse.
29. Our politicians aren’t much better. Our legislators tried to pass a bill that would deny services to LGBT customers.
30. They also just passed a bill that cut higher education funding by $99 million
31. Panhandlers are a common sight on street corners
32. You have to wait in line for up to an hour for brisket at Little Miss BBQ
34. People forget how to drive when it rains
35. When buying a car, black and other dark colors are out of the question
36. Leather seats are a death sentence for your skin
37. Car batteries and tires last about half as long as they do in other states
38. Many of the best restaurants are in the suburbs
40. Dust is a fact of life
41. Low cost of living = low-paying jobs
42. People drive everywhere
43. Slow-moving landscaping trucks in the left-hand lane
44. Snowbirds in any lane
45. Because people tend to buy homes near where they work, they never leave their neighborhood
46. Black widow spiders.
47. Chain restaurants dominate the food scene
48. The rest of the country sees Phoenix as an ultra-conservative city
49. And they’re not too far off...
50. Did we mention that it gets really hot here?
51. You can’t carry your gun into a bar
52. Despite changing over half the roster, the Suns continue to lose
53. Thanks to changing flight paths, we have to deal with excessive noise from Sky Harbor Airport
54. Just about every block has a title loan office. Who are all these people using their cars for money?
55. Local channels are overrun with commercials for title loans and accident lawyers
56. Seat belt-buckle burns
57. Roof rats
58. There’s no need to buy or wear fluffy cashmere sweaters
59. Because Arizona doesn’t follow daylight saving time, you have to remember what time zone you’re in each season
60. Kids never get to experience a white Christmas
61. Instead of snowmen, they have to settle for tumbleweed men
62. Google Fiber isn't here yet
63. Take-out restaurants tend to close by 9pm
64. The city is closing its homeless shelters. No plans are in place to help those who will be displaced.
65. People from Los Angeles hate our city (although maybe that’s not such a bad thing)
66. Finding a reliable and quality contractor/handyman is almost impossible.]
67. Malls are always busy, even during the workweek
68. There is a distinct lack of architectural diversity
69. Anti-Mexican sentiment is blatant
70. Yet everyone heads to Los Algodones for cheap dental work
71. Green lawns are rare
72. We have to get our water from the Colorado River
73. Our VA Health Care System is under fire for allowing veterans to die while waiting for care
74. Roosevelt Row is in danger of being town down to build high-rise condos
75. Some iconic Roosevelt Row murals have already been destroyed by developers
76. Visitors who always ask about frying an egg on the sidewalk
77. There’s no change of seasons, unless you count monsoon season
78. Your car is probably being stolen right now
79. Your bicycle, too
80. The increasing push for medical marijuana. Just legalize it already!
81. Police surveillance helicopters are disturbingly common sights
82. Trying to choose the best tacos
83. Because it’s always warm, people tend to wear less. There’s constant pressure to look good.
84. Hence, plastic surgery is everywhere
85. There’s also an overabundance of “natural” blondes
86. The Devoured food festival sells out in days
87. Despite the fact that it, like most other food festivals, is overpriced
88. The University of Phoenix
89. Prickly pear cacti are covered in tiny barbed spines that are crazy difficult to remove
90. Accidents that shut down I-10
91. Because we get so much sun, solar power is popular. But SRP wants to charge a fee to solar users to make up for lost energy bills
92. The lack of a defined culture
93. Braking for golf carts that cross the street
94. People who let their cats and dogs run free. We have coyotes, people!
95. No one is from here
96. The tallest building is only 40 stories
97. Our groundwater is crazy hard; you need a water softener, an RO filter, and a taste for limescale
98. What’s that? Another margarita?
99. You have to listen to everyone, including us, complain about the heat.
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