10 reasons Portland trumps Seattle
Seattle likes to think of itself as Portland's richer, grungier big brother. As the Jackson 5 proved, sometimes it's the little brother who's way cooler and way weirder. In honor of City Rivalry Week, we've rolled up our sleeves, cranked up our Everclear records (actually, turn that crap down), and laid down the ABCs of why PDX trumps Seattle, thus turning the Emerald City green wtih envy.
Your soccer fans make Manchester look like AYSO, Seattle.
The Timbers are dominating the MLS, and your Sounders seem to be sleeping soundly. Our fans are known as the best in the league; we use chainsaws to chop a hunk off a log when we score. What do you do? Put Mudhoney on a playlist and hope for the best?
Speaking of sports, where are the Supersonics?
Oh yeah, they went to Oklahoma City. Way to ground that sh**. Sure, you can go ahead and say the Blazers are weak… but then again, we're pretty sure the Blazers could beat the Mariners in a pick-up game of either sport. Rip City represent!
We have a skyline… and we can see it.
Look at that beautiful skyline, Seattle… there's Puget Sound! There's… an effin' condo. Here, we've got a height cap on buildings so we can gaze at Mt. Hood & the West Hills. But hey, at least you can watch your neighbor's TV a couple floors down. Speaking of…
Frasier vs. Portlandia.
Suck it, Eddie the dog.
Our strip clubs are waaaaaaaay better (and naked-er).
Have fun at your juice bars. We'll be drinking Wild Turkey at one of our bajillion all-nude strip clubs, where there's seldom a cover and there're $5 steaks & $2 beers.
We're the City That Bikes… and safely.
Not only do we have more bike lanes than you, we've also got fewer Bullitt-style hills to bomb down or -- even worse -- up.
So, about grunge…
Yeah… Most of your grunge groups are about as faded as the "Mother Love Bone" t-shirts you wear underneath your vintage blazers. Get over it, then head down here for a real indie rock show; it's the genre that spawned in the 10yrs since the latest album you bought. But we hear Bumbershoot's got a Layne Staley hologram in the works, so there's that.
Yeah. We've got Stumptown, which, while not the favorite of your 11yr-old sister, is vastly superior in its not-burnt taste. Oh, and also Ristretto Roasters, Heart, Extracto… oh, snap! Did Howard Shultz just buy a house in Sellwood?
We can park…
... for free in most places. For $1.60 an hour in super-busy places. No wonder y'all have no income tax… most of the extra scrilla goes straight into meters.
We've got better escapes.
Drive an hour in any direction from PDX, and you'll find yourself in a gorge, in a rainforest, on a beach, in a desert, or on a mountain. Drive an hour from Seattle and you're in… (ugh) Tacoma, or (UGH!!!!) Canada.