99 problems with Portland

Portland's got a lot of stuff going for it (great food, its own TV show, it's not Seattle!), but it's not perfect. In fact, between our rampant hipsterism, the constant rain, and urine in our reservoirs, it's safe to say we have a few problems. Actually, there are about 99 problems with PDX...

1. Constant drizzle
2. Vintage polo shirt = dressing up
3. Socks and sandals
4. Passive-aggression
5. Overpriced cocktails
6. Everything’s a “scene”
7. No hip-hop scene… oops
8. Artisanal everything
9. Toe shoes
10. A-Terminal at PDX
11. The Lloyd Center
12. Can’t buy liquor in the grocery store
13. Stole “Keep Portland Weird” from Austin

Flickr/Loren Kerns

14. Unkempt beards
15. Trendy-third
16. People from Vancouver crossing the river to shop without sales tax
17. People from Gresham
18. People from Clackamas
19. Depending on who you ask, either the East side or the West side
20. Transit patrol (the MAX isn’t free?)
21. Starbucks
22. No air conditioning anywhere (for those two days we need it)
23. Food carts that don’t take credit cards
24. There's only one Wu-Tang Pizza pop-up
25. Your friend’s band
26. Mold...
27. ... and lots of other allergens
28. Your parents are seriously talking about moving here
29. Our second-hand stores are filled with expensive designer clothing
30. Regular E. coli scares
31. Voodoo Donuts is somehow popular
32. Parades that shut down the city
33. Snow flurries that shut down the city
34. The clever panhandlers who wait outside of Ground Kontrol
35. The lack of good BBQ
36. Intoxicated PSU students
37. EDM at the Roseland
38. Safeway
39. We have how many strip clubs? And only one is open after 2am?!
40. First Thursday
41. Last Thursday
42. You might get an STD walking barefoot in the neighborhoods around Providence Park
43. People walk barefoot in the neighborhoods around Providence Park
44. Dogs in bars
45. Dogs in restaurants
46. Dogs in carriages

Flickr/Dustin O'Donnell Design

47. Pabst is the only cheap beer that's ironic enough to drink. Except for Rainier, 'cause it's "local"
48. Signature collectors with clipboards
49. The impending doom of Cartopia
50. Brunch lines
52. Pop-up Dave Chappelle shows that you’ll never get tickets to
53. Fair-weather sports fans
54. Pee in the reservoir
55. All the other stuff in the reservoir
56. Chinatown
57. No thunderstorms
58. There are a ton of sweet new restaurants you haven't tried
59. The vagrant population
60. Not being able to pump your own gas
61. Potholes
62. Rockslides/mudslides
63. We named a bridge Tilikum
64. Construction on Division

PDX Streetcar
Flickr/Parker Knight

65. The Streetcar's "top" speed
66. "Where can I get good Mexican food?"
67. James Beard Public Market doesn’t look like it’s ever going to happen
68. Powell’s construction
69. My neighborhood doesn’t have a New Seasons yet
70. Leaf blowers
71. Marijuana's still illegal (technically)
72. Aggressive bus drivers
73. Alder St Downtown
74. Parking on the West side
75. When the bridge is raised
76. American Property Management
77. No late-night dining (or otherwise)
78. The OLCC
79. People who complain about the weather
80. People who complain about people who complain about the weather
81. Some Timbers fans
82. The real Chinatown is on 82nd
83. Rich white kids from the West Hills
84. Homogeneity
85. High income tax
86. Gentrification
87. Waterfront Park is constantly filled with events during our two months of summer
88. Your coffee order is scrutinized
89. Your beer order is scrutinized
90. PSU Farmers Market is always packed
91. Californians
92. Mount Hood could erupt at any moment
93. Nobody seems to be able to drive in the rain
94. Cats on leashes
95. Motorists vs. cyclists vs. pedestrians
96.The New York Times won't shut up about us already
97. The Naked Bike Ride
98. We’re only 173 miles from Seattle...
99. ... and some people actually think they're better than us. Seriously?!

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