PDX's Old Town/Chinatown district has become considerably younger and less Chinese, with an influx of suburban barflies, bros, and club chicks taking over the weekends with such force that they're closing down entire city blocks to traffic. The sound of bamboo flute music has been replaced by echoing high-fives. The smell of dim sum has been overpowered by CK1. Sleeping bums have been replaced by... oh wait, they're still there. Throw a rock in Old Town, and you're bound to hit one of the 10 worst people. But you probably shouldn't, because Red Bull makes dudes named Chad super fight-y.
10. The Ghost Whisperer
Yep. We know the Shanghai Tunnels are haunted. No, we don't want to go down there and see for ourselves... especially with you.
9. The Secret-Service Doorman
If there's a velvet rope outside a bar, it's already apparent that you're at an Old Town joint that wants you to think you're in New York. When the guy checking IDs has an earpiece, you know you're gonna have to wait extra-long, be told to tuck in your shirt, then finally granted access to a fairly empty bar populated by dudes in untucked shirts.
8. The Hot Chick Running Game on NBA Jam at Ground Kontrol
Not because she's a bad person, but because we're pretty sure we hallucinate her every time we go there… which means we might all be insane
7. The Strip Club Rookie
He wanders into Magic Garden bright eyed and bushy-tailed and sits right at the rack, a huge grin on his face. Eventually, the dancer stops what she's doing and scolds him, explaining that it's $1 per song to sit there. He turns red and leaves, but only after he's ruined the illusion that Cinnamon totally likes everyone.
6. The Fake Asian
We get that you totally love the Chinese garden, shopping at pan-Asian antique shops, the smell of incense, that you totally eat chicken feet and have every edition of The Asian Reporter ever published, and meditate daily after yoga. But seriously, John Miller, let's lose the kimono and stop doing sun salutations when people say hello.
5. The Slumming Pearlite
Sure, Pearl District-dwellers often venture East to the comparably slummy Old Town for a bite of authentic ethnic food, but we know they're really eyeballing where they can put up a new set of condos.
4. The Party Bussers
It should be a rule that all bars sound an alarm when a party bus approaches so everyone can stockpile drinks at their tables before a gaggle of slurring mumble-ards come bursting in like a tornado full of douchebags. They scream orders at an overwhelmed bartender for 20mins, then leave in a blur of smashed cans, only to resurface at the next bar you hit and repeat the cycle.
3. Lovely Molly
Because "OhmytheytotallyplayedmysongatTheWhiskey! Quick! Let's go to Jones! I want to dance on the light-up floor. Hand me that water. OhmygodthatDJIlove'sat... um, The Dixie? You have kind eyes. Wanna see me make out with my friend? You're such a jerk. Let's just stand here for a while. I love you.
2. The Clipboard Activist
"Do you have a second to help change the world?" he'll ask, then call you an a-hole as you race to jump on the MAX. You know who else is an a-hole? People who get paid per signature and pretend that they're in it to make a difference. If you really wanna get signatures while people have time, maybe collect them at the temp agency where they gave you that clipboard in the first place.
1. The Amoeba Of Dude
Actually eight popped-collared dudes who make up one single organism, these bros insist on standing together and taking up the entire sidewalk. As you walk through the middle, they appear to close all gaps for you to walk through, leaving you afraid that if/when you emerge from the haze of American Spirit smoke, you might be wearing a popped collar, smelling of CK1, and experiencing a strong urge to drink Red Bull & vodkas with your buddy Chad.