First bioluminescent primate
“Oh, we just made a glow-in-the-dark monkey using jellyfish DNA. NBD,” said the OHSU scientists who apparently haven’t seen Jurassic Park, The Fly, The Fly II, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Congo, Monkey Shines, Sharktopus, or my effing nightmares.
Most three-pointers made in a minute
So wait, some kid in Tigard sunk 25 threes in a minute, and we’re all butthurt about Aldridge defecting? Sign this kid immediately.
Tallest female twins
So wait, we’ve got a set of identical twins who clock in at 6’ 7” in Milwauke, and we’re all butthurt about Aldridge defecting. Sign these kids -- aw, never mind. We’re still butthurt.