30 things people from Portland love
Everyone loves Portland... and who wouldn't? We've got great bars and restaurants! More breweries and strip clubs per capita than any other city! Our own (totally realistic) TV show! But what do people who actually live in Portland really love about it? Besides not being from Seattle, obviously, these 30 things:
1. Telling people what a gentrified area used to be like
NoPo, SE Division, Northwest... we remember when they were crime-ridded/actually had character and, more importantly, we love talking about it at that new sushi place off N Mississippi.
2. Polite driving
A four-way stop is apparently the perfect place to make new friends with other drivers, and then gently encourage them to go ahead of you. No you go, no, you go. It’s going to be awhile.
3. Spoiling our dogs
No, that’s not a baby in the trailer attached to our bike, it’s both of our dogs.
4. Turning into an entirely different city the second the sun comes out
65 degrees? Crank the A/C, take off your shirt, put down the convertible. This is our moment!
5. Wearing our (very comfortable) uniform
Men are in plaid with beards and dark-rimmed glasses. Girls are in boots, probably wearing something waterproof. Or a dress that looks like it was bought from a very old woman’s estate sale.
Bánh mìs, tortas, meatball subs -- "Sandwich Artists" aren't limited to Subway here. But we'll settle for theirs in a pinch, too.
7. Being nice
“I’m afraid we don’t sell clothespins, but here, why don’t you just take this one from my pocket? Having a hole in your shirt is the worst!”
8. Eschewing umbrellas
It’s only drizzle.
9. New Seasons
We just gave 95% of our paycheck to the "friendliest store in town", but the three things we bought were all local, so it’s okay.
10. Having a side passion
Your bartender is an aspiring DJ, your boss just finished his novel, and we have a hot five of stand up we’d like you to listen to if you have a minute.
11. Staring down anyone who is dressed up
What, do you have a job interview?
12. The Blazers
No matter what happens tonight, our dogs are still gonna be named Rasheed Wallace, Sabonis, and Clyde Drexler. Oh, and we’ve watched that Lillard shot 75 times. This morning.
13. Getting a master’s in, well, everything
We probably know more about Eastern philosophy, creative non-fiction, and archery than any dummy in Seattle. We can direct you to that section in Powell’s. Because we work there... when we're not DJ-ing.
14. Being offended
Do you even know where that mustard came from?
15. Dogging on Californians
Pretty much any of Portland’s issues are caused by Californians moving here. Gentrification? California. Rising rent? California. Meth? Absolutely California. In fact, we love this so much that even people who still have Michigan plates on their cars tell other drivers to "go back to California!" when they do something stupid.
16. Taking kids' games extremely seriously
Who cares if it’s intramural, slow-pitch, no-strike-out, beer-league softball with no umps? That dude was out at third, and we’re going to shout about it until we get our way. Then probably pout passive-aggressively at the post-game bar session.
17. Complaining about the rain, then, when it stops, complaining that it hasn’t rained in a while
There’s nothing Mother Nature can throw at us that we can’t complain about if it goes on long enough, especially if it means our lawns are dry.
18. Complaining about restaurant prices
You know that your $12 pasta and hanger steak would be, like, $45 in New York, right?
19. Public transportation
Getting from Horse Brass to Bailey's quickly and safely despite drinking some of Portland's best beer is great. Doing it in a way that lets us subtly look down on cities without sweet public transit systems is GREAT... and really easy, since we have an Aerial Tram.
20. Infused liquors
About one quarter of the bars have displays of liquor-filled jars packed with fruits and sometimes meats that look like they were stolen from some crazed scientist’s lair, but will benefit your Bloody Mary greatly, especially where the peppers, bacon, or garlic are concerned.
21. Talking about beer the way a sommelier talks about wine
This ale is approachable with hints of banana, toast, and is that smoke I detect in the finish?
22. But when it comes to wine regions, ours is the best
California Pinot noir? That’s a joke, right?
23. Drinking at the movies
There’s a reason you can never remember characters' names in movies, and it’s because the majority of Portland theaters serve microbrews.
24. Waiting in line while drinking coffee
Seriously, brunch is eggs, meat, and toast. And on Saturday and Sunday, we’ll gladly wait for two hours outside in the rain to get it.
25. Talking about how charitable they are
The only thing better than giving $5 a month to OPB or Friends of Trees is displaying that bumper sticker. And that T-shirt. And telling everyone how easy it is to give.
26. Riding bikes on the sidewalk
Portland is one of the bike-friendliest cities in the world, with a huge network of bike lanes to accommodate the thousands of commuters who bike daily, and apparently those lanes look extra cool from the sidewalk, where there’s always some jackass plowing through pedestrians because he’s too scared/inconsiderate to ride in the road.
27. Saying they don’t have a TV
It’s like a badge of honor for some Portlanders to casually mention that they don’t have a TV at their house. They usually mention this when they show up unannounced to watch TV at your house.
28. Passive aggression
If you haven’t gotten a politely written note laced with subtle menace asking you to please not park in a certain space, you haven’t been here long enough. Or you just ride your bike everywhere... except the sidewalk, hopefully.
29. The idea of soccer
We're really proud that Timbers fans are some of the most rabid, outgoing fans out there, and that they bleed green, but the rest of us can’t pay attention for a whole game.
30. Having a sense of humor…
… about everything except lists about Portland. Just look at the comments here! We were just teasing.