The 33 Worst Decisions You Can Make in Portland
You make great decisions all the time, starting with living in Portland, a town that does a whole slew of things better than anywhere else, but admit it: You also make some pretty terrible decisions too. Let's just hope that you don't make any of the 33 worst decisions in PDX...
1. Going to Voodoo DoughnutOr letting your out-of-town friends, who might not realize the line outside is full of other tourists, go to Voodoo Doughnut.
2. Attempting to turn left on West BurnsideThere’s a reason the usually passive aggressive drivers are honking.
3. Carrying an umbrellaWhat, you don’t like a little rain?
4. Not having a rain jacket with you at all timesDidn’t you see it was going to rain?
5. Going to Mary's Club on MondayUnless you’re there to see one of our favorite bartenders.
6. Swimming in the Willamette after it rainsOr, like, ever…
7. TanningLearn to accept the pale!
8. Going to a concert at the Moda CenterUnless Kanye decides to come back. Maybe.
9. Going to a concert at the RoselandUnless you’re 16, in which, please go join your friends.
10. Buying a Timbers scarf from the team storeIf you already have one, just say it was a Christmas gift.
11. Buying scalped Timbers ticketsFanladen y’all!
12. Or, even worse, selling yours for more than face valueAlmost as bad as being a Sounders fan…
13. Calling a cabYou’re better off walking.
14. Paying retail for Nike, Adidas, or ColumbiaC’mon, you gotta know somebody! If not, hit us up!
15. Going to StarbucksAt least conceal it in your Bespoke Thermos.
16. Admitting you went to Lincoln High SchoolHow rich are your parents!?
17. Or, even worse, admitting you're from CaliforniaYou really shouldn't have stopped until you got to Seattle.
18. Commuting from the suburbsYeah, rent is cheap, but have fun being the guy catching the MAX home before the bars close.
19. Going to Chinatown after 7pmUnless you have a popped collar or wear high heels in January.
20. Thinking you're going to find a parking spot on the West sideHahahahahahaha.
21. Not paying your parking ticketsBest believe they’ll track you down and garnish those barista wages!
22. Going to a house party in Lake OswegoSure, it’s in a mansion, but good luck finding a way home.
23. Refusing a free PBRLet me guess, you went to Lincoln.
24. Thinking your hand-me-down Honda Civic is going to make it up the mountainYou’re the reason I never catch first chair.
25. Thinking you're more aggressive than a TriMet driverThey’ll always win. Seriously.
26. Having a Bush/Cheney bumper stickerAt least pretend you’re liberal... It'll make everything easier.
27. Driving on DivisionBetween the busses and construction you’ll never get where you’re going in time.
28. Driving on 84 between 2-6pmWhere is everyone going? Are there even this many cars in Portland?
29. Being rude to cyclistsYou should always be polite... plus, they will slash your tires.
30. Living in the PearlWhat, are you from California?
31. Dating someone who just moved hereGet used to fake laughing at Portlandia quotes!
32. Paying full price for nosebleeds at a Blazers gameWait until the game starts and scalp one, what are you, a Timbers fan?
33. Owning a Sam Bowie or Greg Oden jerseyWe’ve been over this... we'll never get over this!
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