The 33 Worst Decisions You Can Make in Portland

You make great decisions all the time, starting with living in Portland, a town that does a whole slew of things better than anywhere else, but admit it: You also make some pretty terrible decisions too. Let's just hope that you don't make any of the 33 worst decisions in PDX...


1. Going to Voodoo Doughnut

Or letting your out-of-town friends, who might not realize the line outside is full of other tourists, go to Voodoo Doughnut.

2. Attempting to turn left on West Burnside

There’s a reason the usually passive aggressive drivers are honking.

3. Carrying an umbrella

What, you don’t like a little rain?

4. Not having a rain jacket with you at all times

Didn’t you see it was going to rain?

Flickr/Thomas Hawk

5. Going to Mary's Club on Monday

Unless you’re there to see one of our favorite bartenders.

6. Swimming in the Willamette after it rains

Or, like, ever…

7. Tanning

Learn to accept the pale!

8. Going to a concert at the Moda Center

 Unless Kanye decides to come back. Maybe.

9. Going to a concert at the Roseland

Unless you’re 16, in which, please go join your friends.

Flickr/Ray Terrill

10. Buying a Timbers scarf from the team store

If you already have one, just say it was a Christmas gift.

11. Buying scalped Timbers tickets

Fanladen y’all!

12. Or, even worse, selling yours for more than face value

Almost as bad as being a Sounders fan…

13. Calling a cab

You’re better off walking.


14. Paying retail for Nike, Adidas, or Columbia

C’mon, you gotta know somebody! If not, hit us up!

15. Going to Starbucks

At least conceal it in your Bespoke Thermos.

16. Admitting you went to Lincoln High School

How rich are your parents!?

17. Or, even worse, admitting you're from California

You really shouldn't have stopped until you got to Seattle.

18. Commuting from the suburbs

Yeah, rent is cheap, but have fun being the guy catching the MAX home before the bars close.

Flickr/Noël Zia Lee

19. Going to Chinatown after 7pm

Unless you have a popped collar or wear high heels in January.

20. Thinking you're going to find a parking spot on the West side


21. Not paying your parking tickets

Best believe they’ll track you down and garnish those barista wages!

22. Going to a house party in Lake Oswego

Sure, it’s in a mansion, but good luck finding a way home.

Flickr/Jeremy Brooks

23. Refusing a free PBR

Let me guess, you went to Lincoln.

24. Thinking your hand-me-down Honda Civic is going to make it up the mountain

You’re the reason I never catch first chair.

25. Thinking you're more aggressive than a TriMet driver

They’ll always win. Seriously.

26. Having a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker

At least pretend you’re liberal... It'll make everything easier.

27. Driving on Division

Between the busses and construction you’ll never get where you’re going in time.

28. Driving on 84 between 2-6pm

Where is everyone going? Are there even this many cars in Portland?

Flickr/Elly Blue

29. Being rude to cyclists

You should always be polite... plus, they will slash your tires.

30. Living in the Pearl

What, are you from California?

31. Dating someone who just moved here

Get used to fake laughing at Portlandia quotes!

32. Paying full price for nosebleeds at a Blazers game

Wait until the game starts and scalp one, what are you, a Timbers fan?

33. Owning a Sam Bowie or Greg Oden jersey

We’ve been over this... we'll never get over this!

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