Lifestyle

Thrillist's MLS Preview: Your guide to getting on the Timbers bandwagon

If you're one of those people who still think the Timbers are just people who really like that song by Pitbull and Ke$ha (the harmonica is sooo catchy!), or are intimidated by the peculiarities of what is -- with apologies to Lloyd Dobler -- the sport of the future, don't worry. We've created a guide to becoming a Timbers fan that's so easy to follow, even these people, and possibly Sounders fans, could do it (but probably not).

1. Buy a scarf (but not from Adidas)
Then immediately start mocking people without scarves.

2. Get a bartender at Cheerful Tortoise to remember your name
We did it by going on random Tuesdays, but then, we might have a problem.

3. Start disliking the city of Seattle immediately
It should be easy, because those idiots are always saying their fans (which they've only had since 2010) are the best in the US. And because Seattle sucks.

4. Learn all the songs and chants
Real fans know to sing "You Are My Sunshine" in the 80th minute. And not to bring the song sheet they printed out last night to the stadium.

5. Turn indiscreetly drinking in a 6hr wristband line into an art
Practice this: "Yes officer, there really is coffee in my cup."

6. Figure out how to jump the line at Hotlips
It's easy to make friends if you give people a sip of your "coffee".

7. Get a tattoo of Timber Joey (we miss you Timber Jim!) on your back
But, like, a subtle one, in case you go back to that accounting gig. Or just go with "RCTID" like everyone else.

8. Commence really kind of hating Seattle
Especially now that former Timber (and Manchester United wash-out) Kenny Cooper plays for them.

9. Speak knowingly of your friends in Covert Ops
And know that Covert Ops is the Seattle-based Timbers supporters group, obviously.

10. Get your tickets at Fanladen
Only tourists use scalpers, newb, so hit the Timbers Army's pre-match ticket exchange.

11. Know who Lee Morrison is, so you can say stuff like:
"YOU don't know LeeMo? Dude played four years with the USL squad! Learn your history!"

12. Care about the Cascadia Cup more than anything else
Sure, we finished five places above the Whitecaps last season, but those &^$%#@ers won this Northwest-only competition.

13. Really &^%$ing hate San Jose 
Wait, that's supposed to say Seattle.