San Diego's great for so many reasons, prominent among them being the abundance of fantastic beaches. However, those beaches become slightly less fantastic when certain people enter the picture. Here are a few you'll inevitably meet at some of SD's most popular waterfronts.
Blacks Beach, La Jolla
The Shirtless Guy Who Shouldn't Be Shirtless Head to La Jolla and you'll be mesmerized by the classy real estate and pristine beaches, until you see... this guy. Remember that movie where Schwarzenegger was pregnant? It's like that, with fewer muscles.
The Naked Guy Who Shouldn't Be Naked This sixty-something dude hasn’t "groomed" since before the draft (and not like, the NBA draft) and has the skin of John Wayne’s saddle. As you walk past and try to avert your eyes, you'll hear him mutter something to his old naked friend about the "damn clothes-wearer".
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The Almost-Surfer Blacks is also known for producing some of the best surf breaks in San Diego County, attracting skilled surfers and also that one guy who paddles out past the break, only to straddle his board for the next forty minutes while "waiting for his set". Upon exiting the water he'll post something to Instagram about how he "surfed Blacks". Right.
The Asthmatic Tourists Upon descending Blacks' half-mile's worth of stairs, you'll invariably meet Mr. and Mrs. Des Moines, Iowa. They’ve walked up and down the beach and "dang it, we can’t find another way to get back to our car." Well there are the stairs and... the stairs. Good luck with your Tevas.
That KID Normally he's on one of those child leashes, but, it's BEACH DAY! Every foray into the Pacific produces an ear-splitting shriek loud enough to compromise US-Mexico relations. The radius within which he can kick wet sand would be impressive if some didn't just land on your face. NOW WATCH HIM BODY SURF!!! Wait, why is he crying now? Ugh, that's really loud too.
Workout Bro Just a quick 11-mile run before he gets his lift on. Don't get in his way. He's disgusted by your relaxation.
The Classy Lady The creeping roots in her "blonde" hair suggest she's overdue for a salon trip. The Audrey Hepburn one-piece suggests she probably hates everyone. She has a big hat, red nails, and of course, a US Magazine to leaf through, though it doesn't quite hide her look of disgust .
The Life of the Party Look carefully and you can spot him… oh wait, you can't miss him because he's wearing an "ironic" Speedo, clutching two party cups, and screaming unintelligibly about being three minutes from picking a fight with a bouncer who wouldn't let him into the bar. Seven years later he'll still be here, "just a few units" from graduating.
American Flag Bikini Girl If this were the Fourth of July, we might give you a pass… but even then, we hate to see Old Glory lying besmirched on party guy's floor later. Note: 110% chance she is from Arizona. Double note: 110% chance we're going to stare, anyway.
Dogs Beach, Del Mar
The Negligent Pet Owner You’re walking along, enjoying a sunset with your significant other while getting your dog a little exercise, and then some asshat lets his precious dog take a dump and pretends not to notice. There are poop bags literally right over there. WITHOUT THE POOP BAGS ALL SOCIETY BREAKS DOWN!!!
Dog-fearing Girl Somehow didn’t get the memo. And as the rest of her vacationing family tosses Frisbees and plays tug-o-war with salivating dogs, she stands there petrified, wearing a hooded sweater with the cuffs pulled over her hands and draw-string cinched so that only her eyes are showing. Naturally, man’s best friend has a nose for sniffing out fear, and despite our attempts to redirect Fido, he’s enjoying working her into an anxiety attack.
The Bugle Horn Camper This RV owner who parks his rig in the campground just above and lugs every one of his possessions down to the beach below. It’s bad enough we have to wait for your 18-footer to make a 3-point turn pulling into Seaside Market, but now we have to put up with your oceanfront Yurt? Can you at least leave the dinette set and portable espresso machine in the camper?
The Local Nixon watch, Billabong hat, and a Mitch’s Surf Shop T-shirt. He’s lived in North County his whole life, eats lunch at Pipes Café EVERY DAY, and only surfs the dawn patrol. He’s a purist, and tolerance for anything else isn’t an option. So what’s he doing at Cardiff State Beach at 2pm on a Thursday? Oh, nothing really, but what else do you do when grandpa’s trust fund has kicked in and you dropped out of MiraCosta after half a semester?