In preparation for the awesomely 21-and-over Oyster Fest on June 16th, 11 aesthetically pleasing lady people repping different bars/ companies/ branches of the armed forces will compete to be the belle of the... bivalve mollusk ball by facing off in an oyster trivia contest, current events quiz, and "hidden-talent" off. The first round will be held tonight at Bootlegger, and since you're already probably wondering what
these ladies look like their talents are, we extrapolated their skills from the contestants' actual names. Miss Duck Dive: Did you know that some oysters are both male and female and can impregnate themselves!? Well that's gross, and has nothing to do with Miss Duck Dive's talent, which likely involves crouching down really low before jumping in water. Miss Bootlegger: Because these folks are all about the (quasi-)illegal, her talent is probably selling you moonshine from the trunk of a car while her fidgety partner asks you to prove you're not a copper by freebasing opium in front of them. Miss USMC: This one will most likely involve a standard-issue Ontario bayonet, a blindfold, an audience volunteer, three rattlesnakes, and an oyster. Or juggling. Miss Fish Shop: She's mad good at shopping for fish. There's a slight chance that nobody's talent involves clever plays on their names, though the chances of that are nearly zero. And if you can't make tonight's show, tickets are already on sale for next month's main event, at which you can jam to tunes by The Silent Comedy and even get in on a “Shuck and Suck”, at which male contestants' own talents hopefully remain hidden.