And lo, Ron Burgundy descended from Mt. Soledad carrying two tablets and a Scotch, and spake unto the people of America's Finest City a list of 22 Commandments, wheretofore if followed, would allow its citizens to live in harmonious diversity, which is an old, old wooden ship used during the Civil War era. And the tablets did read:
1. Always remember #19
Ditto the "Hells Bells" days, the '98 World Series, and who right field will always belong to.
2. "When in doubt, paddle out"
The most motivating of surfing covenants.
4. Be nice to the Zonies
... but maybe don't drive behind them? Help them if they need help, and offer them directions and restaurant recommendations. The key word here is "nice".
5. Weave through traffic
You're a Southern California driver, which means you're always looking for the best lane to be in. The rest of the country thinks we drive like @$%^@, but in reality, we're just experts.
6. Drink outside, and near the ocean, whenever possible
Whether it's at a rooftop bar or a brewery's beer garden. Living here is like being on vacation forever, so drink like it.
7. Go to a music festival in Palm Springs, i.e. Coachella or Stagecoach
Or at least think about it. Unless you have difficulty regulating your body temperature. Then definitely don't go.
8. Honor thy breweries
Societe, Stone, Ballast Point, Green Flash, AleSmith… Frequent their taprooms, taste their seasonals, and (if they're not too pricey) buy their T-shirts, because they're usually sweet.
9. Know the correct pronunciation for "Via de la Valle", "El Cajon", and "La Jolla", even if you don't know what they mean in Spanish
It's "La HOYa". Say "La JOLla", and thou shalt be smote. Or at least given a dirty look.
10. Read the panda news from time to time
"Bao Bao eats her birthday cake." "Gao Gao undergoes surgery to remove his right testicle." Somebody's always biting a trainer (Bai Yun!) or having a baby, and it's serious, you guys. P.S. there's a live panda cam now.
11. Try surfing at least once
Rent a foam board, head to La Jolla Shores, and have fun or hate it, but you have to give it a shot. Either way, have a burrito after.
12. Say "the 5". Not "I-5".
It's just how it's done. Don't question.
THOU SHALT NOT...
1. Accidentally drive to Mexico
It seems like it would never happen, until you see that yellow sign with a family running across the road, and suddenly there's nowhere to turn around, and yeah, now you're in border traffic.
2. Covet another city's sports teams
The Padres and Chargers don't need bad juju. They, in fact, need a LOT of good juju...
3. Forget about street cleaning days in PB
UGH. $50?!?!? Damn you, first Wednesdays and Thursdays of every month from 7 to 10am!!!
4. Go to a medical marijuana dispensary
You can't do this. Oh, wait, now you can. False alarm, you can't anymore. Okay, now you can again.
5. Bother the sea creatures
Don't fish where you shouldn't fish. Don't bug the sea lions at La Jolla Cove. Don't take the sand crabs home and eat them, which is super weird. Respect our aquatic friends.
6. Drink on the beach
Sigh. This was not always a commandment (and it's so unfair).
7. Let thy friends move to LA
Where they will surely perish from smog inhalation and exposure to insufferable aspiring screenwriters.
8. Skip the Del Mar Fair
You always say you're going to go, but it's a little intense, so you put it off, and then July rolls around and it's over. Go. You can pet farm animals, ride roller coasters, look at gems and minerals, and eat funnel cake all in one glorious day.
9. Feel self-conscious for being "laid-back"
Your East Coast friends are more intense than you are, as in they've planned every single one of their weekends for the next calendar year. We've got sort of an "aloha" spirit here. It's the way to live. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
10. Not watch Anchorman if thou stumbleth upon it on cable
This commandment does not apply with Anchorman 2.