Bad news, San Franciscans: SF is now the most expensive US city for Summer travel ($508 a day to visit!), which means your coming-to-town friends are gonna be looking for ways to cut costs.
Enter: your couch. And your sheets. And your shower. And, “You weren’t saving that box of Thin Mints that I can’t replace since they’re not available until next year, were you?”. And lists of why San Francisco houseguests are the worst. Like, say, this one.
This Chinese Festival Is Like 'Frozen' Come to Life
1. They ask you to pick them up from the airport Because they think it's in San Francisco. But yeah, it's not. They also don't think there are crazy SFO airport staff who blow their whistles and scream at drivers who linger for more than five seconds outside of baggage claim. But yeah, there are. For whatever reason, out-of-towners always seem to “conveniently” forget about those bright yellow cars that will take them anywhere they want in exchange for cash money.
2. They need to borrow a jacket Even though you told them 17 million times that although Mark Twain didn’t say the infamous quote about our Summers, it still applies.
3. They want to do all of the stuff Weekends were invented for two reasons: 1) having a few (or 10) beers, and 2) binge-watching TV the morning after having a few (or 10) beers. Checking out Fisherman's Wharf? Not one of those things.
4. They want to go to Alcatraz You’re already their prisoner. Just accept that this is your fate. The good news: they serve adult beverages on the ferry ride back.
5. They get up early And are totally lying when they say they tried to be quiet so they didn't wake you, but since you’re up, they’re ready to go do that hike (in their flip flops) now! But no rush, whenever you’re ready, they'll just sit here Googling pictures of Tank Hill.
6. They stay for a week They were supposed to stay for the weekend, but when they went to buy their ticket, it was way cheaper to fly out on Wednesday and fly home on Tuesday. “You can totally take a few days off work since no one in San Francisco really works anyway, right?”
7. They want to eat clam chowder out of a sourdough bread bowl Okay, fine. So do you.
8. They’re c*** blocks You're gonna be out partying, you're gonna meet a super-hottie, they're gonna be super into you because YOU'RE YOU, but you can’t go back to that person’s place (see: houseguest)... and do you really want them coming back to yours (again: see houseguest)? Basically, you’re never going to get laid again and it’s all your houseguest’s fault.
9. They “didn’t sleep very well” Not that they’re complaining, but the light came in through the window, and did you know your couch has a weird lump in it, and they’re still on East Coast time, and wow, your 100-year-old apartment building gets really cold at night.
10. They want to ride a cable car AND a double-decker bus.
11. Their stuff is everywhere And they leave their sheets on the couch all day, even though that’s the only place to sit in your 400sqft mansion.
12. They call it "San Fran" In front of your friends.
13. They complain about the fog Complaining about Karl is like talking crap about someone’s family. You just don’t do it unless you’re related. And yet, still, your houseguest can’t stop (won’t stop) bitching about the fact that she couldn’t see the Golden Gate Bridge despite being physically on it.
14. They use your stuff One would think razors fall into the same category as toothbrushes, but apparently, one would be wrong. And according to some houseguests, even toothbrushes don’t fall in the same category as toothbrushes.
15. They pack the wrong shoes They want to walk across the Golden Gate Bridge, climb Mt. Tam, go to Muir Woods, hike to Stinson Beach, and visit every single park. But they didn’t bring sneakers because they’ve found they “never work out on vacation”. Wut?
16. You say, “Make yourself at home" And they do.
17. You don’t even know them No seriously, are you sure that dude on your couch is actually Johnny who you bunked with at Camp Mondamin when you were 9-years-old?
18. They assume you’ll drive them BACK to the airport And sadly, you will. Because it’s the only way to truly ensure their ass gets back on that plane.
Daisy Barringer is a freelance writer who promises all of her previous houseguests that they were the best and that this article totally isn’t about them. You can follow her on Twitter.