Lifestyle

The 99 problems with San Francisco

Obviously San Francisco is the best city in the entire US (suck it, LA), but we're not perfect. Here are the 99 problems with SF (and Ed Lee's mustache ain't one):

1. Earthquakes. Ugh.
2. Getting from the FiDi to 280 at 5pm
3. Dog poop everywhere
4. Was that dog poop?
5. God, I hope that was dog poop
6. Tech shuttles
7. Tech shuttle protests that involve vomit
8. Summer is actually Winter
9. 2am last call
10. The stupid drought
11. Stupid LA taking all of our non-existent water
12. Getting from the FiDi to 101 at 5pm
13. Reclaimed wood
14. Getting judged for your coffee selection
15. 6th St. All of it.
16. Going to the beach and needing a sweatshirt and blanket
17. Going to the beach and getting sunburned in five seconds when it's sunny
18. Going to the beach and seeing old-man dong
19. BART stains
20. Getting from the FiDi to the Bay Bridge at 5pm
21. Ohmygod, Bay Bridge traffic at all times
22. Our billions-of-dollars-over-budget new Bay Bridge span that might not be structurally sound
23. Disappearing SF mainstays

FLICKR/GIUSEPPE.COSTANTINO

24. Tech bros
25. Virulently anti-tech bros
26. This whole "tech vs natives'" debate
27. Seriously, if we have to read one more g**damn opinion piece on it...
28. Never leaving the house without a just-in-case sweater
29. Your friend in North Beach complaining you never go to their place
30. Taxi drivers who don't know how to get around the city
31. Uber drivers who don't know how to get around the city
32. Lyft drivers who don't know how to get around the city
33. Sidecar drivers that don't know how to get around the city
34. Seriously, just download Waze already
35. Being on Muni during Giants games
36. Fair-weather Niners fans
37. The fact that the San Francisco 49ers now play an hour away from San Francisco
38. How can it be so bright and foggy at the same time?
39. "Can you pick me up from SFO?"
40. Circling around Arrivals at SFO
41. Circling around Arrivals at SFO again
42. Circling around Arrivals at SFO AGAIN
43. HOW THE HELL DID YOU END UP AT DEPARTURES?!?
44. Exposed brick

45. Having to actually take a cable car to get somewhere
46. The homeless guy living in your driveway
47. Actually, he's pretty nice -- scratch that one
48. Not being able to find a spot in Dolores Park on a sunny Saturday
49. Not being able to find a spot in Dolores Park on a sunny Tuesday
50. ... Does anyone in this city actually work??
51. The guy clipping his toenails on the 33
52. All those Embarcadero joggers making you feel lazy
53. Edison bulbs. We get it.
54. Marina residents telling you The Mission is "too sketchy" to go out in
55. Mission residents refusing to go out to any "non-authentic" bars
56. Waiting in line for hours for brunch when you are SO HUNGRY
57. Those streets that just decide to become one-way for no reason
58. Having to pretend you like Fernet
59. Trying to find parking
60. Street sweeping
61. STREET SWEEPING
62. The two seconds every day you can't remember which way to turn your wheels
63. Having friends that go to Burning Man
64. Trying to go out in Oakland
65. Public transit mostly stopping at midnight
66. BART strikes. Seriously, WTF.
67. The guy on Muni who doesn't take his backpack off
68. The lady on Muni with 20 bags of cans she fished out of the garbage and -- OH GOD, IT LEAKED ON ME!
69. BART bathrooms
70. Not enough pools/rooftop bars
71. The traffic on the way to Tahoe
72. Not having a friend who'll drive to Tahoe
73. Do we tip on the total before or after Healthy SF?
74. Slow, free Wi-Fi
75. So. Many. Beards.
76. The line at Bi-Rite
77. The line at Mission Chinese
78. The line for those NYC bagels
79. Seriously, what is with us and lines?
80. Hideout is made to fit, like, three people, but actually has 200 in it

81. Parking tickets for EVERYTHING
82. Enforcers
83. People who complained about Batkid
84. The only In-N-Out is in Fisherman's Wharf
85. Being Downtown on the weekend
86. Getting stuck behind slow walkers
87. People coding bots to take reservations at the best spots
88. Having way too many bottomless mimosa brunches to choose from
89. Having sore quads all the time just from walking
90. Parents in town? Let's go to Alcatraz or Pier 39!
91. An abundance of amazing burritos making you fat
92. Being reminded it's easily 20-degrees warmer as soon as you leave the city
93. Getting peer-pressured into buying a $14 cocktail when you really just wanted a Jack 'n Coke
94. People constantly complaining about how much better San Francisco used to be
95. Mark Twain didn't actually say that quote about Summer in San Francisco, okay?
96. When they arrested beer & water guy
97. Blue Angels PTSD
98. Beers at Outside Lands are how much??
99. Being too prickly about our city pride to take a joke

Joe Starkey is Thrillist's San Francisco Editor and spends most of his time waiting in lines and traffic, wondering how there are always so many people at Dolores. Bring a park blanket, a six-pack, and follow him on Twitter.