Let's face it, we all have families we'll be going home to this week, and while they are indeed great (... according to them), there can certainly be some awkward moments... like, say, when your brother Johnny tells you he "farted on the Christmas ham". It's during these exact instances that we wish, just once, we had the perfect off-topic topic to change the subject (and that Johnny would see a doctor about his colon). To wit...
1. Fisherman's Wharf Talking Points: "You're probably gonna want to sit down for this, I've got some terrible news. They closed the Fisherman's Wharf Hooters. It's okay, Uncle Bob. I can't stop crying either. The important thing here, though, is that they're replacing it with a Dick's Last Resort."
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2. State Bird Provisions Talking Points: "Yeah, Aunt Liz, I can definitely book us a table there... in 2018."
3. Google's mystery barge being built over at Treasure Island Talking Points: "It's actually (yaaaaaaawwwwwnnnnn) just going to be a four-story floating store for Glass, a new Google eyewear that has a computer built into it."
4. Rent Talking Points: "Hey, so, just a heads up... money was a little tight this year with my new apartment, so I tried to get creative on your Christmas gift. Have you ever heard of high-five coupons?"
5. Silicon Valley Talking Points: "No Grandma, Silicon Valley, not Silicone Valley. Yeah, there're like zero big, fake boobs in this one."
6. That Batkid thing Talking Points: [Slow clap]
7. Gay marriage Talking Points: "Oh yeah, I'm definitely happy for 'the gays'. But, I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to refer to them as 'the gays', Mom."
8. Obamacare Talking Points: "I definitely think... (*take giant sip of wine you have in a deathgrip*) (*feign hearing someone call you from the kitchen*)... what's that Mom? You need me in the kitchen?? (*realize your Mom is sitting right next to you, leave for the kitchen anyway*)"