Does Your NorCal Hometown Suck? An Investigation.

First, let it be known that we strongly believe Northern California is The Best place in the whole entire world to live. We have everything: great chefs, amazing nature-y stuff, tasty wine, fresh produce, delicious beer, the ocean, the mountains, the valley, liberal politics... pretty much anything a reasonable person could want in the place he calls home.

BUT... there are a few places within this glorious upper half of California that kind of suck. Is your hometown one of them? Read on to find out (and if your NorCal hometown is missing, feel free to defend -- or roast! -- it in the comments).

Flickr/Thomas Hawk

Alameda

Oh, you were born on an island? No one cares ‘cause it’s not Hawaii. You do have some very pretty Victorian houses though, so that's lovely.
 

Antioch

The 94509 ZIP code has over 100 registered sex offenders. Seriously, you should probably lie and say you’re from somewhere else.
 

Berkeley

Goddamn hippies. Good food though. Now if only we were willing to cross the bridge to eat it.
 

Chico

Chico State isn’t even a good party school anymore, and yet, still, no one will take your degree from there seriously. We do love us some Sierra Nevada though.
 

Concord

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
 

Davis

Your hometown built a tunnel to protect toads from getting run over by cars, effectively ruining a live-action reenactment of Frogger. Even worse? The toads didn’t like the tunnel. So you guys put lights in it. And then the toads died from the heat. Even worser? the ones who survived were killed by birds who just waited for them at the exit. How can you live with yourself? How? Still, you do have Murder Burger, which makes up for a lot.
 

Fairfield

Is it possible to drive through Fairfield without getting a speeding ticket? No. No, it is not. Props for the Jelly Belly factory, though.
 

Folsom

All anyone knows you for or cares about is your prison. Which, despite being made famous by Johnny Cash, is certainly no Alcatraz.
 

Fremont

Your hometown is where MC Hammer built his huge mansion. At one point in time, this would have been cool. That point in time passed long, long ago.
 

Fresno

The modern credit card was invented there, so basically your hometown is responsible for the irresponsible spending of people everywhere. Specifically: mine. Also: Butthole.

Flickr/Alex Green

Hayward

Who doesn’t love a good gang fight?
 

Humboldt County

Your hometown sure is pretty and, listen, we all appreciate what you do for the marijuana industry. If you could just do it with a little less murdering, that’d be great.
 

Livermore

Aw, it’s so cute that y’all try to make wine. No seriously, we love wine. Bring us some, please.
 

Manteca

Um, your hometown is only called Manteca because the railroad misspelled "Monteca" and you were too... lazy?... cheap?... both?... to get it fixed.
 

Mendocino

Great wine, even better beer, friendly locals, and The Pot. You're A-OK, Mendocino.
 

Menlo Park

Everyone assumes you’re rich, but sorry! Menlo Park isn’t Atherton. Sucks for you.
 

Milpitas

You have the largest percentage of residents employed in the computer and electronics industry, aka you don’t expect to get laid when you go home for Thanksgiving.
 

Modesto

One of the top car theft cities in the United States, home of murderer Scott Peterson, AND nearly 10,000 gang members? Well done, Modesto. Well done.
 

Mountain View

The fact that it’s home to the Computer History Museum pretty much sums it all up.

Flickr/Wally Gobetz

Napa

Wine just tastes better when it’s not accompanied by a gaggle of screaming girls who are sucking their vino out of penis straws. Still, we'd be lying if we didn't say Napa's also a pretty cool town with gorgeous views, amazing wine, great restaurants, and friendly people.
 

Palo Alto

What’s up "Shallow Alto?"
 

Petaluma

Your home is home to the "World’s Ugliest Dog" contest, which is responsible for the low self-esteem of countless dogs. Nice work.
 

Pleasanton

You’re from the third wealthiest city in terms of earning in the US, so probably Mommy and Daddy pay your rent. What’s that? You own your place? Exactly.
 

Redwood City

Your slogan is "Climate Best By Government Test." Like, literally no one had something nice to say about you so the government had to step in and do it.
 

Richmond

Your schools banned all junk food, including PIZZA. And you’re only six years removed from being one of the nation’s most dangerous cities. But also: no pizza? Come on, man.
 

Roseville

Oooh! You have one of the largest Auto Malls in the country. Vroom vroom! 

Flickr/DHON SANTOS

Sacramento

Um... you've got the Kings? Yeah, never mind. Sorry, your hometown is kind of The Worst.
 

San Jose

San Jose makes no sense because almost a million people live there, but no one actually wants to live there.
 

San Leandro

Congratulations. Your town used to bar property owners from selling property to black people. You’re officially from the worst town on this list.
 

San Mateo

Literally, being from San Mateo is the only thing you have in common with Tom Brady. Who, for the record, can suck it.
 

San Rafael

Not only did your hometown come up with the term "420," but it’s something you brag about often. You should stop that now, probably.
 

Santa Clara

Two words: Jed York.
 

Santa Cruz

Great waves, but really: THE BANANA SLUGS?
 

Santa Rosa

It’s your fault Guy Fieri and his terrible, terrible hair exist. On the other hand though, Santa Rosa was home to Charles M. Schulz and who doesn't love Snoopy?
 

Stockton

Your hometown was named "America’s Most Miserable City" by Forbes Magazine not once, but twice. Give yourself not one, but two pats on the back.
 

Sunnyvale

Your city is really, really safe (7th in the US according to a 2009 Forbes Magazine report), save for that ghosts who haunt your local Toys "R" Us.

Flickr/Kathleen Ann

Turlock

Turlock’s known for two things: Colin Kaepernick and meth. And sorry, but Kap isn’t something to brag about these days.

Vacaville

Nice outlets. (And yes, that’s a pun, because while you have a s-ton of outlet stores, you also have the highest per capita concentration of electric cars in the world.)

Vallejo

Your city declared bankruptcy. Although you do have Marine World (or Six Flags Discovery Kingdom as they're calling it these days), which is kind of cool if you’re into torturing dolphins.

Walnut Creek

The worst thing about your hometown is that you seriously delude yourself into thinking it’s a cool place to live. News flash: it’s not.

Sign up here for our daily San Francisco email and be the first to get all the food/drink/fun SF has to offer.

Daisy Barringer is Thrillist's SF Editor and she was born in Greensboro, North Carolina, but moved to SF when she was six years old. Feel free to tell her why her hometown does or doesn't suck on Twitter @daisy.