And lo, Madison Bumgarner came down from Mount Sutro with two tablets and a Clipper card, and gave unto all the tourists in Fisherman's Wharf and Union Square 29 commandments that, if followed, would lead to everlasting peace and happiness, even when waiting in a two-hour line for $4 toast. And they read...
2. Taketh your lanyard off-eth once you've left your conference
3. Learn to step down on Muni. It's not that hard.
4. Stand on the right side of the escalator, aka the right side (well that's easy to remember, isn't it?)
5. Go to places other than Fisherman's Wharf. Doesn't matter where, just somewhere other than Fisherman's Wharf.
6. Bring layers, because thou shalt not borrow my jacket
7. Use thine phone or camera to take photos, NOT your iPad
8. Order a craft beer at Monk's Kettle, Toronado, Mikkeller, City Beer Store, Pi Bar, Magnolia Brewpub, and La Trappe Cafe
9. Call-eth the cable car a "cable car"
10. Stay on my couch for two nights, and ONLY two nights
11. Shop at local businesses, because all those chains thou were planning to go to? News flash: they're on this thing called the Internet.
12. Call it San Francisco, The City, or SF, but never San Fran
THOU SHALT NOT...
1. Drive really slowly on Lombard St. Or the Golden Gate Bridge. Or the 49-Mile Drive.
2. Wait in line for the Powell St cable car... when you could just hop on the California St line instead
3. Use a selfie stick. This is really just a life-in-general thing, not even SF-specific.
4. Wear football jerseys for your hometown team
5. Talk about why your hometown is so amazing
6. Take pictures of homeless people
7. Talk about Rice-A-Roni
8. Ride a Segway in a group. Or alone. Really... ever.
9. Ride a double-decker bus
10. Complain that the portion sizes are so (!) small
11. Rent an electric bike and/or those tiny little yellow cars. Thou also shalt not try to ride either across the Bay Bridge. Seriously.
12. Call our great state "Cali"
13. Complain about the hills or the fog (Muni is fine)
14. Wear a money belt
15. Insist on pronouncing things with an incorrect accent. It's "Valensee-a" not "Valencha." And no one calls it "San Raf-AYE-el."
16. Be in Union Square
17. Suddenly stop walking in the middle of the sidewalk
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Daisy Barringer is Thrillist's SF Editor and she wants to know what commandments you'd add. Hit her up on Twitter at @daisy.