23 neighbors you'll definitely live next to in SF
36% of people living in SF own their homes, which means the vast majority of us are living in apartment buildings. This is great for several reasons: someone else has to fix whatever breaks (unless it’s, like, your heart right after you find out NOOOOOOO! Dawson and Joey don't end up together?!?!?!?); if your apartment was built before 1979, it’s most likely rent-controlled; and unless you have family or tech money, you probably can’t afford to buy a place you’d actually want to live in, anyway.
There's one part of apartment living, though, that can be a little tedious. And that’s the neighbors that come with it. Specifically, these neighbors:
1. The guy who works from home
So basically: everyone.
2. The tech dude
Don’t worry -- at this point, even he hates himself. If it makes you feel better though, he just moved in and his rent is at least three times what you’re paying. Of course, he can afford that, and you never could, so... okay, feel free to go back to hating him again.
3. The people who are always cooking
But only foods that smell REALLY weird.
4. The guy who’s always borrowing something
No, you don’t need that thermometer back when he’s finished with it. But thanks for offering -- feel better!
5. The talker
Whether you’re running 15 minutes late -- wet hair, wrinkled shirt, Uber waiting -- for the most important meeting of your life, or returning home -- juggling luggage and two weeks of mail with a too-much-whiskey-last-night headache that no amount of airplane booze could fix -- from the longest trip anyone has ever taken, this is the neighbor who will literally block you from the elevator or stairs for painful idle chitchat. “Where you going?”, “Where ya been?”, “Is your water pressure weird?”, “Did you see someone new moved into 304?”, “Can you BELIEVE this weather? I bet Dolores Park is gorgeous today.”
6. The mute
You don’t want to be best friends with your neighbors (Melrose Place was fun to watch, but ending up dead in the pool isn’t your thing), but this guy won’t make eye contact no matter how many times you say "Hi", or “Hey”, or "Is your water pressure weird?"
7. The couple that keeps their toddler in the closet... literally
You were pretty sure that once the baby grew up, they’d move out of their one bedroom. Instead, they had a second baby and the toddler now lives in their hallway closet.
8. The old lady down the hall who will die there
Two words: rent control. In fact, at one point, she was probably a baby in a closet in that very unit.
9. The passive-aggressive note-leaver
“Not leave your shoes in the hallway?”
“Not leave your shoes on while in the apartment?”
“Turn the volume down on your TV?”
“Not scream so loudly during sports/sex/phone calls with your Mother?”
“Practice what could only be an attempt at Riverdance somewhere else? Like say, Ireland?”
And no, he never signs his name.
10. The couple that has really loud fights
11. The couple that has really loud sex
12. The couple that has really loud fights and then follows it with really loud sex
This couple is The Worst couple.
13. The guy who is always traveling for work
AKA, the guy you want to share a wall with.
14. The guy who is always traveling for work, but forgets to turn his alarm clock off
AKA, the guy you fantasize about murdering every day from 5:45am to 6:15am.
15. The hot girl
Friendly, single, and easy on the eyes. Don’t be deceived, though: she’ll prance around in her yoga pants and get your hopes up, but some hipster dude will move in just as you get up the nerve to invite her to the party you’re throwing, because your friends told you to throw a party so you’d have an excuse to invite her over.
16. The girl with the dog that barks all day long
Your building doesn’t even allow pets. But she has a note from her therapist. Seriously.
17. The sorority-type girls with really bad taste in music
Is it just you, or are they always “feeling 22” 30 minutes after Bus Stop has closed, and four hours after you went to bed?
18. The woman with bed bugs (which are somehow a thing in SF, too)
Yes, the bed bug outbreak is in an apartment adjacent to yours. Yes, the tenant seriously just asked if her cat could hang out in your bathroom while they fumigate. And yes, you agreed because you’re still working on how to say “no” in therapy.
19. The creeper
You’re walking around the apartment in your underwear; this neighbor is lurking around the fire escape. And you’re both going to pretend like you didn’t see each other, because what other choice do you have?
20. Marina bros
We’d say at least they like to party, but you stopped drinking Coors Light weeks... err... years, yeah, years ago. At least in public, anyway.
21. The dude who bangs on the wall/ceiling when you’re being loud
And, thus, inspires you to be even louder.
22. The miserable, crying baby
You’ll know the parents, because they’ll look completely exhausted and be too mortified to make eye contact.
23. The building manager
“Sorry, this mailbox is full. You cannot leave a message at this time.” Click.
Daisy Barringer is a freelance writer who grew up in San Francisco and believes watching baseball is the best way to kill time until football season starts. Follow her on Twitter.