Because life isn't fair, this year's Dumbest Super Bowl Ever winner is either gonna be the New England Patriots or the Seattle Seahawks. One might think that, thanks to Deflategate, Massholes, Tom Brady, Tom Brady's hair, and the fact that Bill Belichick is, well, Bill Belichick, we would be rooting for Seattle.
But one would be wrong. Because, as much as we don't like the Pats, we can't STAND the Seahawks. Luckily, most of America is with us on this one. But just in case you're on the fence, here are a bunch of reasons why you should root for Seattle to lose the crap out of Super Bowl XLIX.
And not because he was a total cheater at USC who completely abandoned the Trojans only after he super-screwed them over. No, it's because of the incessant goddamn gum chewing. JESUS CHRIST STOP WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. (And let’s be real: Bill Belichick also sucks with his lies and his awful cut-off sweatshirts, but in this one instance, and just this one, he’s slightly less terrible than Carroll. And THAT is saying a lot.)
Like leaving the NFC Championship against Green Bay early, only to get locked out while Seattle came back. Real fans stay until the game is over. Fact.
8. Marshawn Lynch is an a-hole
Forget that he ruined Skittles for anyone who isn't a Seahawks fan. Or the fact that he can't stop grabbing himself. Marshawn Lynch is an a-hole because of the crap he's trying to pull with the media. We get it. You don't like to talk to them, but guess what? You get paid MILLIONS of dollars and talking to the media is part of your job. That would be the equivalent of me showing up to work and not writing this, which, THANK GOD, I did.
9. Their fans insist that they're sooo loud when it's really just the stupid stadium
The overhanging roofs act as noise catchers and a bunch of other science stuff, but ohmygod, could they be any more insufferable about how loud they are? It’s not their vocal chords; it’s the architecture.
13. And finally, they're basically forcing us to root for the Patriots
Sometimes in life, you have to choose the lesser of two evils. Sunday will be one of those times.
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Daisy Barringer is Thrillist's SF Editor and, though it would pain her to see Tom Brady have as many Super Bowl rings as Joe Montana, it would pain her to see Seattle win back-to-back Super Bowls even more.