If you ask almost any San Franciscan where they like to hang out on sunny days, they'll give you the same answer: Dolores Park. Something about the good weather and the people and the close proximity to the three-hour wait for Bi-Rite ice cream. They just cannot get enough of Dolores Park. And by "they", I mean "you". YOU LOVE IT.
And hey, good on you. I'm all for people loving what they love. But in this case, I just don't get it -- at all. Dolores Park actually totally sucks. Like, I would rather be burned by one of the fire-swirling hula hoopers than have to hang out there for an afternoon. Before you judge, read my 13 reasons why. And then try to convince me that I'm wrong in the comments.
1. The crowds
San Francisco literally has dozens of parks, and yet everyone wants to cram into the same one, which, other than the view, isn't even that sweet. Aren't city parks supposed to be a refuge from the city? With car-lined streets, tons of people, and looming buildings, Dolores Park is like the exact opposite of that.
2. The hills
Call me crazy, but when I put my beer down, I don’t like to then watch it roll away.
I get it. Dolores Park is basically the place to see and be seen if you're into having a terrifying abundance of facial hair and wearing tight T-shirts, but still.
4. The bathroom line
You have two choices for peeing at Dolores Park (and since you're downing PBRs, you're gonna have to pee -- probably more than once). You can spend your entire day waiting in line to pee in the foulest bathroom known to man, or you can pee on the train tracks. I know we love waiting in line in SF, but c'mon, are those really life choices you want to have to make? At least in a real park you can find some private bushes.
5. Half-naked people
If I wanted to see people without their shirts on, I'd move to Southern California, where at least they’d be ridiculously attractive.
6. The bicycles
So there's nowhere to sit, but your fixie gets to take up an entire acre of grass? Yeah, that make sense.
7. Free movie night
I can freeze my ass off while watching a movie I've seen a billion times in a dirty park surrounded by strangers, OR I can stay at home and watch a new release from the comfort of my couch. HOWEVER WILL I DECIDE?
8. "The Truffle Guy" and "The Ganja Treat Man"
As if it’s not bad enough that everyone’s hanging out in a crowded proximity without a shirt on, now they're all going to eat "special" truffles from a guy who sells them out of copper urns? Where did it all go wrong? Where?
9. Frisbees and footballs and squirt guns and all of the rest of it
Amber: Ms. Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.
Dionne: Well, there goes your social life.
All I'm saying is that balls flying at my face should only happen in the comfort of my home. And that one can really never quote Clueless too often.
10. The garbage
We could go to Dolores Park or we could go hang out in a dumpster. They're pretty much the same thing, except at least in a dumpster everyone would be wearing a shirt.
11. The dog poop
No where else in San Francisco can one find so many fresh, steaming piles of dog poop. But no worries. Nothing a picnic blanket won't cover up, amirite???
12. Garbage bag Slip 'N Slides
Well, at least now we know why there's garbage everywhere (because you're using the garbage bags for Slip N' Slides instead of garbage). But yeah, that looks fun -- sliding down a Hefty bag while wet dog poop flies through the air. Pink eye is my favorite!
13. Hula hoops, jugglers, and tightrope walkers
We're at the PARK, not the circus. That is all.
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Daisy Barringer is Thrillist's SF Editor. Golden Gate Park is her favorite park in SF. She'd love to drink PBRs with you there one day soon. Follow her on Twitter @daisy.