Lifestyle

An amateur p*rn festival in SF? Yep.

Hump Tour

From sex advice columnist Dan Savage, Hump! Film Festival is a Portland-born amateur p*rn fest that showcases a series of shorts from adult filmmakers-in-training who enter in categories like "Best Humor", "Best Kink", and "Best Sex". After making (humping?) the rounds, it's finally coming to SF this weekend, courtesy of the Roxie Theater.

And since the best thing about p*rn is clearly the awesomely predictable story lines ("Wait... this bus isn't just giving free rides??"), we screened the films several times (for research purposes) and put together this short quiz (answer key at the bottom) to see how well-versed you are in the genre.

1. Which of the following sci-fi/fantasy premises is included in the fest?
A. E.T. 2: Dark Territory, in which E.T. uses his glowing finger on Elliott
B. Go F**k Yourself, in which one man time-travels back in time to f**k himself, and save the world
C. Mythical Proportions, in which women recount their vivid sex fantasies about centaurs
D. All of the above

2. Which bestial sight occurs in the animated short D4U?
A. A unicorn masturbating on a rainbow
B. A T-Rex masturbating to a unicorn having sex with a dolphin
C. Rick Santorum masturbating to a unicorn having sex with a dolphin
D. All of the above

3. In the film The Legend of Gabe Harding about a legendary porn-set fluffer, which name is an alias used by one of the actors?
A. Dick Steel
B. Gladys Scrimshaw
C. Foxanne Letroix
D. All of the above

4. Which amazing sexual feat involving Styrofoam packing peanuts is achieved in the festival?
A. A dude flings a packing peanut off the tip of his ween into a girl's mouth, hands-free
B. A dude comes to fruition during a threesome, and enough packing peanuts come (!) out of him to fill his bed
C. Neither
D. Both

5. In Lauren Likes Candy, we learn that the titular character likes things rough. Which of the following gets her going?
A. Being pinned up against a chain-link fence
B. Knife play, including having her clothes cut off
C. Having clothes pins clamped on her nips while having her bathing suit area slapped
D. All of the above

6. In D&D Orgy, a rousing game of Dungeons & Dragons escalates into which of the following?
A. Two girls make out on the D & D board
B. A seven-person orgy breaks out to the sounds of Dragonforce’s "Through The Fire And Flames"
C. The Dungeon Master gains 500 experience points for finishing
D. All of the above

7. Which of these 'WTF' moments occurs in the festival?
A. A woman pees in her unitard while jumping on a trampoline
B. A woman gets turned on by starting fires on her special region
C. A dude gets laid while wearing a suede vest
D. All of the above

8. Which is an actual quote from a film in the festival?
A. “It’s the gentleness and grace of a horse, combined with the sheer sexual power of a man.”
B. “I’m here to save the universe… I have to f**k you.”
C. “I know you’re up in Heaven right now, blowing all the angels.”
D. All of the above

Pencils down. Now, if you answered D for each question, you’ve aced the test. If you didn't, you should probably start watching more p*rn. Or travel back in time to have sex with yourself to save the world. Grab tickets for Friday's show here, or Saturday's here.

Joe Starkey is Thrillist's San Francisco Editor and is really sorry about this article, Mom. Sean Cooley is Thrillist's Chicago Editor and is really sorry about this article too, Joe's Mom. Follow Joe and Sean on Twitter.