Lifestyle

16 ways to stop sucking at San Francisco

According to a probably super-scientific Travel + Leisure reader poll, San Francisco is America’s snobbiest city (you can stop laughing now, Los Angeles). What in the hell are we so allegedly haughty about, though? Oh, right -- these 16 things. Read them, know them, and please stop doing them.

1. Stop telling people you live in the Marina

No one thinks you're cool. No, definitely not her.
 

2. Stop referring to the Western Addition as “NoPa”

3. Stop going to Amoeba Music to ask for the Garden State soundtrack

Aside from physically putting him on a high horse, mentioning indie-turned-pop music is the best way to get a record store employee on his high horse.
 

4. Stop sending back an order of sweetbread when you realize it’s not bread at all, but instead, LAMB PANCREAS

Your server will likely school you in the 16th century etymology of this misleading term, then offer you a slice of Wonder Bread as consolation. Maybe even pat you on the head.
 

5. Stop suggesting trips to Fisherman’s Wharf for cioppino

Or anything other than a burger at In-N-Out or an Irish coffee at Buena Vista Cafe. If you've been here for more than a couple days and you're still doing this, we might need to have a longer talk.

6. Stop saying Bi-Rite is overpriced and not even really a grocery store, while continuing to shop at Whole Foods

They’re pretty much the same thing, except Whole Foods is a massive corporation owned by a libertarian who once penned an op-ed column in The Wall Street Journal opposing healthcare reform, later likening Obamacare to fascism. That’s, like, five things San Franciscans hate. And we love to wait in line for salted caramel ice cream at Bi-Rite -- purveyor of all things local, seasonal, organic, and self-righteous.
 

7. Stop throwing an empty pizza box in the blue recycling bin

We'll let your CSA-subscribing roommate handle this one. “See these grease splotches? This is totally compostable".

8. Stop riding any bus that doesn’t say “MUNI” on the side of it

Google Bus, sightseeing bus, and Volkswagen buses all qualify.
 

9. Stop living in San Francisco, but working in Silicon Valley

It’s the high-brow equivalent of that one South Park episode. You know the one: “They took our jobs!” Except instead of our jobs, they're taking our housing. And instead of blue-collar protesters, we have “artists” crying foul.

10. Stop ordering complicated coffees

With extra cream. And low-fat something. And quadruple whip. And half-caff. And soy. And room for sugar. Just get a black coffee. If it's hot, get ice. We're pretentious enough about our coffee as is; please don't make it worse.
 

11. Stop asking what fernet is, to the guy buying you a shot of it

This should help.

12. When asked what your favorite taqueria is, stop proudly declaring that it’s The Little Chihuahua

Here’s an SF burrito riddle for you: sustainably raised meat is practically mandatory at SF restaurants, unless the restaurants in question are taquerias. In which case, it’s a stamp of inauthenticity. Wait... what?
 

13. If you moved here from another city, stop claiming to know anything at all about San Francisco

Amongst the city’s most pretentious residents are its born-and-breds. If you didn’t grow up seeing games at the ‘Stick, spending summers at Camp Mather, or catching concerts at The Stone, you might just be another transplant who’s ruining the city.

14. Stop ordering a Bud at Toronado. Just. Stop.

To the beer elitists behind the bar at this Lower Haight institution, there’s nothing more insulting than mass-produced swill. And because the bar is included in a number of San Francisco travel guides, these guys also have to deal with tons of clueless tourists. It’s a combination that has produced some of the most disdainful bartenders in the city.
 

15. Stop ordering a Red Bull/vodka at Trick Dog

JUST. STOP.
 

16. Stop ordering any drink at Zeitgeist

Seriously, anything. If these notoriously surly bartenders don’t make you feel inferior, you’re among the chosen ones.

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Matt Bloom is a Thrillist contributor and has been scoffed at for doing almost all of the above.