Why San Francisco is clearly better than NYC
Recently, a certain magazine (shockingly located in NYC) posted a 12-part piece on why SF sucks and wishes it could be... NYC. We'd like to respond by saying no, no we don't wish we were Manhattan at all, and here's why:
The rats. THE RATS!!!
It's estimated (by Wikipedia, so... fact) that NYC has at least as many rats as people. At least as many rats. As people.
You literally have walls of trash
For supposedly being the "world's capitol", you're worse than 18th century London when it comes to garbage (historical burn +1). On trash day, your sidewalks are reduced to holding grounds for piles and piles of trash that for some reason can't be put in something we in SF call "trash cans". And God forbid it's warm outside, 'cause then the entire city smells like everyone's dirty garbage. Well, more than usual.
You have Polar Vortexes
We just looked up Polar Vortexes and... HOLY CRAP. Those things sound awful. It was 68 degrees yesterday, and we put on hilarious fur-covered Russian hats and then went to one of our 60 parks.
Your "wine country" is called LONG ISLAND
A place where the nicer wine shops mostly carry bottles from Napa and Sonoma.
There is nothing in SF that even remotely resembles the Port Authority Bus Terminal
Your cab drivers are somehow worse than ours
Yeah, that's right, we've seen The Bone Collector.
Your Mexican food sucks ass
There are eleventy burrito places in The Mission that no one even talks about, that're better than your best. Oh, and also: do you guys really have one of our Chinese food chefs making your most buzzed-about Mexican food? Because that's adorable.
Your fresh produce is absolutely not fresh... because it comes from California, which takes entire days to ship
The disadvantage of not living in the state that produces almost all of the fruits (no pun intended... ok some pun kinda intended) and vegetables for the nation? Your produce tastes like it was grown inside of a UPS truck parked under a bridge.
Speaking of which, you're turning into Vegas with all your second edition restaurants
Congratulations on having the hand-me-down version of Mission Chinese, Pok Pok, and even Boston's hottest tapas place from 2005, Toro. We can't wait 'til you try State Bird Provisions NY in 2017.
Tech douchebags are much better than i-banking douchebags, on the whole
Ours are much more subtle and nicer, and you might even confuse them for just a normal person wearing an Arc'teryx fleece.
Your sports teams are terrible. Like, really terrible.
Obviously the Knicks suck, because they're the Knicks. And that trendy Brooklyn squad sucks, partially because they're also made up of things that were cool in Boston in 2005 (Paul Pierce), and partially because most real NY basketball fans remember they're from Jersey. The Yankees can't even buy their way out of mediocrity, and the Mets, well, hahahahaha. Eli Manning threw upwards of 17 interceptions a game, the Jets make the Bills look promising, and the Rangers... okay, the Rangers are fine, but would still get smoked by any of the teams that play in California, including the one sponsored by Disney. But hey, MLS is just kicking off! Go Thierry Henry!
Semi-legal pot. You have the Big Apple, and we have the Big Apple That Someone Is "Medically" Using As A Bong
Our special brownie sellers are locally sourcing hippies -- not some guy wearing all black and a trench coat in Central Park in the middle of August. Plus, Trevor the Truffle Guy has his own shirt!
Sausalito > Jersey
Although, to be fair, Jersey does have Sausalito cookies from Pepperidge Farm at some nicer grocery stores.
People here are friendly and like each other
If you moved to NYC and tried to make friends without having any, you'd actually die. DIE.
All of the girls in the Marina wear Lululemon, all the time
You know, the pants that they had to recall because they were too see-through?
Joe Starkey is Thrillist's San Francisco Editor and sure hopes people can take a joke. If you can, follow him on Twitter.