We want to love Muni. We really do. After all, it's affordable, and, in a city that's only 7x7, should be a viable transportation option for getting somewhere quickly and conveniently, except hahahahaha. Yeah. No. Muni is neither of those things. There's a reason Herb Caen dubbed it "muniserable." BECAUSE IT IS.
Still, as much as Muni sucks, sometimes you still have to take it. Which is why we've put together this list of the absolute worst decisions you can make on Muni. Now, if you'll excuse us, our Uber is here. (What? See #15.)
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Unless you’re 79, really, really pregnant, or on crutches, there is no reason to ever sit in the seats designated for people who are those things. First off, the minute you get comfy, you’ll just have to yield your seat to someone who actually needs it, but second off, you'll just look like a lazy, entitled asshole.
2. Sitting in the very back of the bus
Are you a teenager and/or blasting rap music from a boom box? No? THEN WHY ARE YOU SITTING IN THE LAST ROW?
3. Putting your bike on the bus rack
Kind of defeats the purpose of “riding” your bike in the first place, doesn’t it, you little hipster, you? Also, this is SF, so obviously someone is going to steal it right off the front of the bus. Yes, that’s a thing that happens. Of course it is.
4. Believing any of the Muni schedules
Including Trip Planner, NextBus, or any of the timetables. The problem with the abundance of ghost busses? Only ghosts can ride them. So unless you’re dead -- in which case, ugh, this page view doesn’t even count probably -- that bus will come and go, but you’ll still be standing on the corner. In the cold. Wondering where it all went wrong.
5. Sitting next to the woman with a live chicken in a pink grocery bag
Not sayin’ the chicken is going to hatch an escape plan, fly out of the bag, and poke your eyes out, but... probably the chicken is going to hatch an escape plan, fly out of the bag, and poke your eyes out.
6. Sitting next to the guy who's talking to himself
This should be preeeeetty self-explanatory, but just FYI: talking to himself will probably lead to crapping and/or peeing on himself. Because that’s how Muni works, my friend. That's how Muni works.
7. Wearing your backpack
Wanna be the guy who smacks an old lady in the head with your ginormous backpack? WHY ARE YOU EVEN PAUSING TO THINK ABOUT THAT? Take your stupid backpack off and put it on the floor and then send me your address because I am going to mail you a copy of Emily Post’s Etiquette.
8. Not stepping down
DO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE BUS FOREVER?
At worst, you’ll find a picture of your wide-open legs with a cat between them on Tumblr. At best, you’ll look like a selfish, sexist jerk. In other words: keep your legs together. Your balls will survive. Promise.
10. Forgetting to stay clear of the steps on the train
The steps are gonna go down and if you’re not paying attention, you’ll go down with ‘em.
It’s now $2.25. You spent seven times that amount on ONE cocktail last night. Also, if you get caught, that $2.25 you were trying to save will suddenly be a fine of $110. And that’s like four cocktails AT LEAST.
12. Exiting through the front door
Some doors are made for entering. And some are made for exiting. The back door is made for exiting and huh... suddenly we're not just talking about the bus anymore.
13. Taking it if you want to get somewhere fast
The average Muni vehicle goes 8.1mph, which makes it the slowest major urban transportation system in the nation. Basically, you can take Muni or you can wait for teleportation to be invented. Either way, you’ll get there at about the same time.
14. Making friends with your bus stop neighbors
You’re just gonna end up feeling like a total jackass when the Google bus rolls up and suddenly you’re the only one still standing there waiting for Muni. And then waiting even more. And even more. And even... you get it.
15. Riding Muni at all
There's no pleasant way to say it. Muni sucks and you deserve better. Yes, even you, guy who sits in the very front of the bus with a blaring boom box in one hand, a live chicken in the other, and his legs spread wide. (Just kidding. You stay on Muni. Forever.)
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Daisy Barringer is Thrillist's SF Editor and she is definitely not still embarrassed about the time she was 13 years old and she tripped down the back steps of the 1 California and fell flat on her face. Ask her about how she could hear the laughter of the entire bus as it pulled away on Twitter @daisy.