Your favorite places to visit in Seattle -- the Redbox at the Wallingford QFC, for example -- probably aren't for everyone, either because they have a Netflix account, or because they're visiting you from out of town and want to see stuff that's actually cool. Since the former clearly have their entertainment needs under control (can you say Firefly marathon?!), we're helping you with the latter by compiling a handy guide to showing people around The Town, based exclusively on the type of guest they are
THE GUEST: YOUR SISTER AND HER THREE YEAR-OLD KID You've been fighting with your sister since you were three years-old, but not even she can argue with this kid-friendly itinerary
Ride the Ducks, 516 Broad St; Queen Anne; 206.441.3825 See the city's sites set to (admittedly obnoxious) music, and watch her kid lose their mind when the amphibious tour "bus" drives into the water.
Seattle Great Wheel, 1301 Alaskan Way; Downtown; 206.623.8600
It's actually pretty… um, great... unless, just like a couple of Thrillist editors did recently, you sneak on alcohol and get kicked off mid-ride.
Seattle Center, 305 Harrison St; Queen Anne; 206.684.7200
Watching her kid run through the International Fountain or Pacific Science Center for hours is worth it, as long as you also hit up the Armory for badass street food from Pie or Bigfood.
Seattle Aquarium, 1483 Alaskan Way; Downtown; 206.386.4300
Her kids'll love watching harbor seals Barney, Q, and Siku swim around their new home. You'll love the panoramic views of Puget Sound.
Saba Ethiopian Cuisine, 110 12th Ave; Capitol Hill; 206.328.2290
Sweet food you're supposed to eat with your hands… it's perfect for kids/ adults who still act like 'em.
THE GUEST: YOUR GRANDPARENTS
If you keep 'em busy at this selection of sweet Seattle cultural destinations, they won't have time to ask why you don't have a girlfriend or why you aren't making more money at work. Like you haven't been wondering the same things already... sigh.
Pike Place Market, 85 Pike St; Downtown; 206.441.1666
It's touristy, but it's also a legitimately sweet farmer's market. Bonus points for listening to grandpa tell you about growing up on a farm… AGAIN.
Chihuly Garden and Glass, 305 Harrison St; Queen Anne; 206.753.4940
They'll love the blown glass by many of Seattle's signature artists. You'll love the red onion jam, bacon, and Beecher’s cheese-topped burger at the exhibition's Collections Cafe.
Bainbridge Island Ferry, 801 Alaskan Way; Downtown; 206.464.6400
Put 'em on The Boat… for a 35min cruise across the Puget Sound.
Olympic Sculpture Park, 2901 Western Ave; Belltown; 206.654.3100
Walking from Western -- past 18 different public art pieces -- to the waterfront, will probably make grandma and grandpa ready to do your favorite thing in Seattle: take a nap.
Museum of History and Industry, 860 Terry Ave N; South-Lake Union; 206.324.1126
They'll love the new MOHAI 'cause it's posted up on the waterfront, and is packed with stuff that's just like them… old.
THE GUEST: YOUR FRAT BUDDY WHO CAN'T DRINK ANYMORE FOR VARIOUS REASONS
Since you're probably one of the reasons he's not allowed to drink anymore, you'd better show him -- inasmuch as it's possible without drinking -- a good time.
El Gaucho, 2505 First Ave; Belltown; 206.728.1337
A huge, custom, 28-day dry-aged steak will probably distract him from the fact you're busily getting tipsy at the thought of paying for dinner.
Seattle Pinball Museum, 508 Maynard Ave S; International District; 206.623.0759
It's packed with 53 vintage gaming machines all set on free play. Oh, and there's beer you can sneak when he's not looking.
Wakeboarding Lessons, 6100 NE 175th St; Kenmore; 425.220.0675
Northwest Riders started as a clothing company, and is helm'd by a national champion wakeboarder who'll take you out on the lake, and probably quickly remind you that you guys really aren't that cool anymore.
Vertical World, 2330 W Commodore Way; Magnolia; 206.283.4497
Take him to America's first -- and still Seattle's sweetest -- climbing gym, so you can go up walls while pretending things haven't been going downhill since college.
Deja Vu Showgirls, 1510 1st Ave; Downtown; 206.342.9160
In this particular instance, the best thing about Seattle strip clubs, besides the mostly-naked ladies, obviously, is that they don't serve alcohol.
1. Ride the Ducks516 Broad St, Seattle
2. Seattle Great Wheel1301 Alaskan Way, Seattle
3. Seattle Center305 Harrison St, Seattle
4. Seattle Aquarium1483 Alaskan Way, Seattle
5. Saba Ethiopian Cuisine110 12th Ave, Seattle
6. Pike Place Market85 Pike St, Seattle
7. Chihuly Garden and Glass305 Harrison St, Seattle
8. Bainbridge Island Ferry801 Alaskan Way, Seattle
9. Olympic Sculpture Park2901 Western Ave, Seattle
10. Museum of History & Industry (MOHAI)860 Terry Ave N, Seattle
11. El Gaucho2505 1st Ave, Seattle
12. Seattle Pinball Museum508 Maynard Ave S, Seattle
13. Northwest Riders6100 NE 175th St, Kenmore
14. Vertical World2330 W Commodore Way, Seattle
15. Deja Vu Showgirls1510 1st Ave, Seattle
Ride the Ducks is as interesting and fun as...riding a van into water and having it float...which is exactly what's going to happen on this drive/boat tour of the city.
The Great Wheel's the giant Ferris wheel-y thing on Pier 57, which you can ride while enjoying eats from the food court including BBQ from Yukon Jack’s, and handmade pies from Sourdough Pizza Co.
From sports to performing arts, to opera concerts and art fairs, this city center's activities are so diverse that you will definitely walk out with an infinite amount of cultural bragging points.
The Seattle Aquarium is the best place for a refreshing reminder of what's going on below you every time you step toe in the abyss of the ocean.
Saba Ethiopian is a great place to get your hands dirty in some really good, ethnic grub. Their flare and attention to spice and detail will send your stomach into a fantasy land of full and delighted.
This is one of the country's oldest public farmers markets, and is home to a zillion unique vendors selling crafts, specialty foods, fresh produce, and playing live music.
The Glasshouse (there are like 980 of them since Philip Johnson welcomed the idea into our minds) of Seattle is inside Chihuly Garden and it's a pretty spectacular conservatory. Once you're done ogling the installments, head to Collections Cafe where you can indulge in some craft brew.
"The boat" is a 35-minute trip across the Puget Sound, and they boldly claim this memory will last a lifetime. It's that beautiful.
The OSP is located at the SAM, and it's on the waterfront. But if you get bored of over-your-head installations and performances (way to be cultured, bro), you can always head to a number of ongoing activities or pop-up food places right there.
Feeling starved for historic Seattle information? Head to MOHAI and indulge in your inner-nerd.
This old-time-y steakhouse in Belltown is serving up serious cuts of beef and fresh seafood, with impressive service to boot. The menu offers upscale takes on Cajun fare (its well known for its spicy Wicked Shrimp and Tenderloin Diablo tips in cream sauce) including a solid array of steak featuring 28-day dry-aged Niman Ranch and all-natural Certified Angus beef.
Dedicated to the "preservation of pinball for future generations", this riotous arcade in an ID storefront boasts more than 30 working vintage pinball machines (all set to free play!), including a Bally Ballerina from 1948, the pulpy devil-arted Gorgar, and one from '77 called Stern Pinball, on which players should be careful or they'll end up getting locked out.
This clothing-company-turned-boarding-school is doling out well-priced wakeboarding lessons, with a slick boat, top-notch instructors, and new perspective on just how cool you really are. Allied: While you're out picking up some new gear swing by Viva Mexico at 26015 Pacific Hwy S and pick up some Smith & Forge, the hard cider that's built strong -- built from Apples and built to Refresh.
Vertical World was made for those who love to look down, and still keep climbing. This rock climbing establishment caters to all age groups and body types ... but uh, you should probably have some muscles... Allied: Put your feet back on the ground and head on over to Big Foot Tavern at 112 Mashell Ave N and pick up some Smith & Forge, the hard cider that's built strong -- built from Apples and built to Refresh.