Your favorite places to visit in Seattle -- the Redbox at the Wallingford QFC, for example -- probably aren't for everyone, either because they have a Netflix account, or because they're visiting you from out of town and want to see stuff that's actually cool. Since the former clearly have their entertainment needs under control (can you say Firefly marathon?!), we're helping you with the latter by compiling a handy guide to showing people around The Town, based exclusively on the type of guest they are
THE GUEST: YOUR SISTER AND HER THREE YEAR-OLD KID You've been fighting with your sister since you were three years-old, but not even she can argue with this kid-friendly itinerary
Ride the Ducks, 516 Broad St; Queen Anne; 206.441.3825 See the city's sites set to (admittedly obnoxious) music, and watch her kid lose their mind when the amphibious tour "bus" drives into the water.
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Seattle Great Wheel, 1301 Alaskan Way; Downtown; 206.623.8600 It's actually pretty… um, great... unless, just like a couple of Thrillist editors did recently, you sneak on alcohol and get kicked off mid-ride.
Seattle Center, 305 Harrison St; Queen Anne; 206.684.7200 Watching her kid run through the International Fountain or Pacific Science Center for hours is worth it, as long as you also hit up the Armory for badass street food from Pie or Bigfood.
Seattle Aquarium, 1483 Alaskan Way; Downtown; 206.386.4300 Her kids'll love watching harbor seals Barney, Q, and Siku swim around their new home. You'll love the panoramic views of Puget Sound.
Saba Ethiopian Cuisine, 110 12th Ave; Capitol Hill; 206.328.2290 Sweet food you're supposed to eat with your hands… it's perfect for kids/ adults who still act like 'em.
THE GUEST: YOUR GRANDPARENTS If you keep 'em busy at this selection of sweet Seattle cultural destinations, they won't have time to ask why you don't have a girlfriend or why you aren't making more money at work. Like you haven't been wondering the same things already... sigh.
Pike Place Market, 85 Pike St; Downtown; 206.441.1666 It's touristy, but it's also a legitimately sweet farmer's market. Bonus points for listening to grandpa tell you about growing up on a farm… AGAIN.
Chihuly Garden and Glass, 305 Harrison St; Queen Anne; 206.753.4940 They'll love the blown glass by many of Seattle's signature artists. You'll love the red onion jam, bacon, and Beecher’s cheese-topped burger at the exhibition's Collections Cafe.
Bainbridge Island Ferry, 801 Alaskan Way; Downtown; 206.464.6400 Put 'em on The Boat… for a 35min cruise across the Puget Sound.
Olympic Sculpture Park, 2901 Western Ave; Belltown; 206.654.3100 Walking from Western -- past 18 different public art pieces -- to the waterfront, will probably make grandma and grandpa ready to do your favorite thing in Seattle: take a nap.
Museum of History and Industry, 860 Terry Ave N; South-Lake Union; 206.324.1126 They'll love the new MOHAI 'cause it's posted up on the waterfront, and is packed with stuff that's just like them… old.
THE GUEST: YOUR FRAT BUDDY WHO CAN'T DRINK ANYMORE FOR VARIOUS REASONS Since you're probably one of the reasons he's not allowed to drink anymore, you'd better show him -- inasmuch as it's possible without drinking -- a good time.
El Gaucho, 2505 First Ave; Belltown; 206.728.1337 A huge, custom, 28-day dry-aged steak will probably distract him from the fact you're busily getting tipsy at the thought of paying for dinner.
Seattle Pinball Museum, 508 Maynard Ave S; International District; 206.623.0759 It's packed with 53 vintage gaming machines all set on free play. Oh, and there's beer you can sneak when he's not looking.
Wakeboarding Lessons, 6100 NE 175th St; Kenmore; 425.220.0675 Northwest Riders started as a clothing company, and is helm'd by a national champion wakeboarder who'll take you out on the lake, and probably quickly remind you that you guys really aren't that cool anymore.
Vertical World, 2330 W Commodore Way; Magnolia; 206.283.4497 Take him to America's first -- and still Seattle's sweetest -- climbing gym, so you can go up walls while pretending things haven't been going downhill since college.
Deja Vu Showgirls, 1510 1st Ave; Downtown; 206.342.9160 In this particular instance, the best thing about Seattle strip clubs, besides the mostly-naked ladies, obviously, is that they don't serve alcohol.