The 99 problems with Seattle

Seattle’s got a lot going for it (obviously!) but it’s not perfect. In fact, between traffic, our famous standoffishness, and the constant rain, it’s safe to say we’ve got a few problems. Actually, there are about 99 problems with Seattle. Here’s proof...

1. The Mercer Mess: STILL messy
2. The annual mass sunglasses disappearances
3. Summer should start any time now
4. Big Bertha
5. Revenue from legal weed sales collected thus far: $0
6. The line at Paseo
7. The left lane of I-5
8. Comcast
9. People who complain about the weather
10. People who complain about people who complain about the weather
11. Some people actually think Portland is better than Seattle
12. … Maybe because they have eight times the number of strip clubs we do
13. Nick Licata’s attitude toward basketball
14. Tsukushinbo’s ramen is only available on Friday

15. Puget Sound, now with more algae, fewer oysters
16. It costs how much to park per hour?
17. Family’s in town: guess we’re going to the Space Needle… again
18. Everyone deciding to go to Green Lake on the same day
19. People turning left on Denny Way
20. The parking ramps at Seatac
21. Too. Many. Coffee. Shops.
22. Your Twitter feed’s nothing but food trucks
23. Calling the police can be dangerous
24. The Ballard Bridge at 6pm
25. Seattle’s two, no three, or is it four (?) transportation plans
26. Everyone’s so friendly it’s impossible to make friends
27. The way the freeway shrinks to two lanes… in the middle of Downtown
28. What do you mean they stopped selling this Bloody Mary?
29. Everett is just 29 miles away
30. You can be snowboarding in 45 minutes… which can be a serious problem
31. Learning all the Sounders chants
32. May Day

33. Earthquakes
34. This burger only has four kinds of meat on it
35. Ballot initiatives
36. Eastsiders saying they’re from Seattle
37. Sleepless in Seattle
38. Grey’s Anatomy
39. Twilight tourism
40.  *Sigh*... these 10 drivers
41. We don’t have Macklemore all to ourselves anymore
42. Macklemore is Seattle’s most successful musician
43. Steve Ballmer owns the Clippers?!
44. All of Seattle’s Cars 2 Go are parked somewhere North of 45th
45. There are a ton of sweet new restaurants you haven’t tried
46. Traffic delay: 83 hours a year on average
47. Tom Douglas doesn’t serve the Palace Burger Royale at all of his restaurants
48. Ballard only has, like, 10 breweries
49. Mt. Rainier’s only visible about 83 times a year
50. Better take your polar fleece… just in case
51. Two words: the Mariners
52. You can’t have waffles on a stick for breakfast every day
53. Our most popular Google search is Unicorn Tattoo
54. There’s way too much stuff to do
55. Nowadays they make an entirely different beer at Rainier
56. There are hardly any places to eat after 10pm
57. There are only six worse places to buy a home
58. What nightlife?
59. Kenny G
60. Kevin Durant plays in Oklahoma
61. It’s almost impossible to choose between all our teriyaki spots
62. Oh, look… they’re throwing fish again
63. The giant hole at 4th and James
64. Cars that don’t watch out for bikers
65. Bikers that don’t get out of the way of your car
66. Everybody else’s minimum wage

67. Hipster or homeless?
68. Street gangs, apparently
69. Swingin’ Doors w/ Don Slack
70. High Five‘n White Guys
71. People wearing University of Oregon gear
72. People wearing 49ers gear
73. No fireworks on 4th of July
74. Driving East to West
75. Only one Seattle ice cream shop makes dessert beer
76. 10,000 MORE Amazon workers
77. Giant house spiders
78. 9.5% sales tax
79. I-5 or 509 from the airport?
80. Olympia
81. “Seattle” movies filmed in Vancouver
82. Locally sourced everything
83. Vitamin D deficiency
84. Homogeneity 
85. Il Corvo’s only open for lunch
86. Mario Batali doesn’t have a restaurant here
87. Mario’s dad’s place has serious lines
88. Phoenix Jones
89. The intersection of Queen Anne & Roy
90. 3rd Avenue
91. Our good restaurants don’t deliver
92. The Seattle Streetcar: still only in South Lake Union
93. Transplants with umbrellas
94. Failed ORCA cards
95. Express lanes that go North AND South
96. Cruise ship passengers
97. Too many Vern Fonk commercials
98. Not enough Richard Sherman commercials
99. The Seahawks don’t play again until September