33 Signs You’re a DC Douchebag
DC is filled with the most powerful people in the world. But power corrupts. Sometimes it corrupts people into being douchebags (and let’s be honest, some people were fully formed douches before they up and transplanted their way here). Are you one of them? Here are 33 signs you just might be.
1. You’re wearing a full suit at a dive bar past midnight
Get over yourself. Or at least lose the tie.
2. You just scoffed at said dive bar’s Scotch selection
“I said SINGLE MALT…”
3. You just stepped out of said dive bar to smoke a cigar
Maybe stop taking all your style cues from Anchorman?
4. You dress like every day is Derby Day
Fun fact: DC is not a Southern city (160 miles from Philly). So stop acting like DC is an SEC school and lose the Brooks Brothers.
5. You make every conversation political
I just asked what you wanted on your pizza. How did we start talking about Nebraska’s 2nd Congressional District?
6. You only hang out in Dupont Circle
Bars where your shoes don’t stick to the floor make you uncomfortable.
7. You only hang out in Georgetown
Bars without tourists spending $7 a beer make you uncomfortable.
8. You drive like someone’s chasing you
For a major city, DC has some narrow-ass roads, so stop trying to fly down Conn. Ave at 80mph.
9. You won’t hang out in Chinatown
Is it because of racism or because you can’t stand genuinely laid-back bars?
10. You avoid H St
Do you have something against people who don’t look like they were torn out of a J.Crew catalogue?
11. You fail to learn where anything is
Sure, you aren’t from here, but the entire city is 60 square miles. If someone asks you to meet up in Columbia Heights and you’re in Georgetown, your response should not be “How do I get there?” You have Internet access. Figure it out.
12. You refuse to take public transit
Yes, the Metro can suck. But the traffic is worse. And you’re contributing.
13. You pump up your resume within two minutes of meeting someone
You: “So after graduating from Harvard I applied for an internship with my local congressman and...”
Them: “Would you like fries with that sir?”
14. You spend every weekend away from DC
So, you moved here from Jersey four months ago, but you spend every weekend driving there to be among your own kind. Then you spend weekdays complaining you can’t meet anyone.
15. You run one of those knockoff jumbo slice places
Nothing worse than stumbling towards a neon “jumbo slice” sign at 2 in the morning and being greeted by something that looks like it came out of the frozen aisle at Harris Teeter.
16. You incessantly insist on going to Mad Hatter
Random shoving matches over spilled drinks at overcrowded bars just really get your blood flowing.
17. You incessantly insist on going to Town Hall
All the pastels!
18. You work for Advanced Towing in Arlington
Hey, we know that you don’t often drive from U St to visit your friends in Clarendon, and your meter only ran out two minutes ago, but we’re gonna take your car. Hope you’re not an ESPN reporter!
19. You come here from New York City and complain it’s “boring”
Sorry you can’t walk into any random bar on a Tuesday night and have it be hopping. We don’t have 8 million people living in 300 square miles. You know what else we don’t have? An entire city that smells like hot garbage.
20. You post humblebrag statuses about seeing politicians/presidential motorcades
You saw the president? In Washington? AMAZING!
21. You health shame people
It’s great that you woke up at 5am to make a kale smoothie and run six miles. Now, if you don’t mind, I have to finish this jumbo slice I passed out with last night. Yes I ate one there and got another one to go. Stop looking at me.
22. You’ve never gone to a concert in the city
You’re missing out.
23. You haven’t been to a single Smithsonian museum
You do realize they’re free, right?
24. You regularly wait 30 minutes or more at Georgetown Cupcake
Wait, is it 2008?
25. You PDA on the Metro
26. You decide the Metro headphones policy doesn’t apply to you
Everyone on the train hates you almost as much as they hate your taste in music.
27. You think your bike deserves an entire lane on Conn. Ave
28. Your solution to jerks taking up an entire lane on Conn. Ave is to tailgate them in your car
29. You’re a Hill staffer who refers to all politicians on a first-name basis
You’re a second-year public relations assistant coordinator, not their golf buddy.
30. You think the monuments only exist to pad your social media
Try keeping the camera phone in your pocket sometime.
31. You own an NFL team
And your last name rhymes with “cider.”
32. You’re an overly judgmental person who takes shots at people’s quirks in Internet articles
Yeah! Wait, hold on…
33. You take the District for granted
For all its warts, DC is a multicultural mecca with some of the most intelligent, talented people in the world. Sure, that means the occasional person who rubs you the wrong way, but don’t let it get you down too much. The good still outweighs the bad, by a long shot.
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