The 25 Worst People You Meet on the Metro
Sometimes the only thing worse than single-tracking hot cars and crowded trains are the people you’re riding along with when you're just trying to get to work. Or the bar. These are the 25 worst offenders:
1. Unexplained costume guy
... whose antics have nothing to do with October 31st. That would constitute an explanation.
2. Butt splitter guy
He's leaning against the pole in the worst way possible. Those aren’t his hands holding on.
3. Don’t care, gotta nap guy
Sometimes he’s confused for a contortionist.
4. Transporting an inappropriately large item guy(s)
Everyone knows someone who knows someone who has a van you can borrow. Get it together.
5. The prolific PDA couple
They only come up for air to text. Each other. With emojis.
6. Poorly timed hygiene gal
Flossing and nail clipping are for the bathroom, not the Orange Line.
7. Metro gymnastics guy. Or gal.
Extra annoying points for counting reps out loud.
8. Blaring headphones guy
Isn't the point of headphones to keep music to oneself? This phenomenon has also been called "earspray".
9. Medical Center scrubs guy who "forgot to change"
We’ve seen Grey’s Anatomy, there are locker rooms!
10. The manners-deficient Candy Crusher
There's a pregnant lady who could really use that seat. But you haven't noticed because you just beat level 140 and then spammed everyone you know with Facebook requests.
11. The last-minute leaper
Responsible for not one but three "stand clear, doors closing" announcements
12. The outsider
As in, the guy who sits on the outside seat and challenges you to ask him to slide in with his look of unadulterated misery.
13. Tourist dad!
He's checking his map, elbows out, at every stop, looking simultaneously confident and confused as his kid kicks your seat.
14. Mr. comfortable
No shoes, no shirt, no problem. Wait. Problem! BIG problem!
15. Still sweating after the gym guy
If you’re so athletic, why not jog home?
16. "My briefcase needs a seat" guy
He will likely tell you that briefcases, like corporations, are people.
17. Makeup on the way to work gal
Spoiler alert: it didn't work out.
18. "Just left McFaddens and gotta get home to Arlington before I puke" guy
He’s holding a plastic bag. Just in case. Give him room.
19. The overly reproductive family of six
... that spurs an impromptu game of musical chairs so they can sit together from Smithsonian to Metro Center.
20. Hazmat lady
She’s the one holding on with only her elbows while somehow spraying lavender hand sanitizer at every stop.
21. Anyone eating
Doesn't matter if it's a bag of chips or a hot, stanky tuna melt. Fine, it's worse if it's the tuna melt.
22. The gameday superfan
That "C-A-P-S Caps Caps Caps" cheer isn't gonna happen. Just give up and wait until you're among your own kind.
23. Read my radical sign guy
He’s coming in from the burbs to be HEARD. He's also constantly bumping people with said sign.
24. The loud phone talker
Wait, keep talking actually, as everyone is suddenly engrossed in the drama between your aunt and cousin about the baptism.
25. Mr. networking opportunities
He’s actually pulling out a business card. He has so many business cards.
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