DC’s 15 Worst Summer Decisions

DC summers are generally pretty fantastic. The sun is shining, the bars are bustling, and there’s next to no chance of a half-inch of snow shutting down the government for days.

That said, there are still some potential pitfalls to be avoided. Here are 20 decisions you should never make during a DC summer.

1. Not capitalizing on rooftop season

With this many choices you’d almost have to go out of your way to avoid them, but still, why not save the darkened dives for when it’s raining in February and you’re just as depressed as the regulars?

2. Being that guy capitalizing on rooftop season in a buttoned-up suit

It’s great that you want people to know you’re important, but you’re also sardined into a rooftop bar on a late Thursday night surrounded by uniformed kickball team members drinking watered-down beers, and you look like, well, an asshole. At least take the coat off and loosen the tie?

3. Underestimating the heat and its evil sidekick, the humidity

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to reside inside a Crock-Pot? Congratulations, you’re about to find out! Did you know some DC pit stains in August can be seen from space?  

4. Missing out on Nats games

Not a Nationals fan? No problem! Hardly anyone in DC is. But the tickets are cheap, the park is beautiful, and the area around it feels like a block party. Oh, and if you like the sports, they’re pretty good this year and Bryce Harper is a once-in-a-generation talent. Get there.

5. Falling in love with an intern

She’s a political science major from somewhere in the Midwest. You’re a recent graduate working for a nonprofit. It sounds like the beginning to a Tom Petty song, but come August she’ll be gone, and you’ll still be in DC. Some human bicep curl on MTV once said you should never fall in love at the Jersey Shore. This is kinda like that, only with triple-digit IQs.

6. Staying in town for Labor Day Weekend

Nobody’s here. You shouldn’t be either.

7. Skipping out on social sports league

DC is a city full on transients and everybody, whether or not they’ll admit it, wants to meet new people. Not much of an athlete? Kickball leagues have little to do with your kickball prowess and everything to do with your affinity for weeknight drinking.

8. Failing to make it down to the Georgetown Waterfront

There’s no greater joy than starting your drinking Saturday at noon and successfully continuing until sundown along the waterfront.

9. Falling into a Seamless rut

Come on, your couch and your Netflix will be there the rest of the year. For now, seize the moment and hit up a new restaurant. Have you ever tried Moroccan food?! You should! Being on a first-name basis with the delivery guy, while friendly, is not something to be proud of.

10. Being a neighborhood snob

Again, it’s understandable if you live in Adams Morgan and don’t feel like venturing away from your hood when it’s freezing outside. But this is the time to expand your horizons. H Street, Clarendon, Chinatown: there’s a whole city out there waiting for you. Actually no one cares if you show up or not, but you’ll be glad you did!

11. Being a treadmill zombie

You live in one of the most beautiful running cities in America. Get outside! You were planning on sweating anyway.

12. Being “that guy” on the bar crawl

This is more of a yearlong rule, but its importance is only heightened in the summer. Sweaty, sunburned, and sloppy is not a good look.

13. Getting in a fight with your friend who has a pool

If anything, it’s time to be extra superficial and nice to that coworker you don’t really like whose building happens to have pool access.

14. Obsessing about your health, or worse, your friends’ health

Look, it’s great that you’ve totally been running and eating kale all summer, but that doesn’t give you standing to rant about the carbs in your friend’s chicken and waffles at brunch.

15. Taking it for granted

Don’t be the person sitting on your couch on a Saturday afternoon letting the day pass you by. Go on a hike, go to brunch, go kayaking on the Potomac; just get out. Soon the days will get shorter, the nights much colder, and the population decidedly less chipper. Make summer count, or you’ll regret it.

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