4pm Saturday: Chambers Street Wines 148 Chambers St, between W Broadway and Greenwich; 212.227.1434; tasting runs from 4-7pm Gratis salmon tapas from Zucker's next door, plus French vino (Muscadets, Sancerres, and Pouilly-Fumes) and one New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, critically acclaimed as "like having sex for the first time" -- so you'll finish it far too soon, then tell all your friends.
4:30pm: Tribeca Wine Merchants 40 Hudson St, between Duane and Thomas; 212.393.1400; 2-6pm Small batch artisanal wines including Moutard Rose Champagne NV, Wyatt Chardonnay 2007, Bret Brothers Macon Village 2007, Yellow and Blue Malbec, Wyatt Pinot Noir, Rodano Chianti, and Foxglove Zinfandel. (Ed. note: counterbalance pretentious listing of wines with good dong joke.)
5:30pm: Vestry Wines 65 Vestry St, at Washington; 212.810.2899; 11am-9pm Glut yourself on Spanish wines during this 10hr tasting marathon. Unfortunately, no matter how hard you drink, you'll still get totally smoked by a Kenyan.
6pm: Le Du's Wine 600 Washington St, at Leroy; 212.924.6999; 3-6pm Selected "high end" Italian Barolo varietals, known for their pungent aroma of "tar and roses" -- like the Colonial-era justice meted out by PFLAG's founding...fathers?
6:30pm: Sweet Revenge 62 Carmine St, at Bedford; 212.242.2240; 2-7pm Gratis tastings of any two of three varietals (rose, chard, cab) at this subway-tiled bistro, which also serves craft Euro brews (Gruut, Weinstephaner), savory cakes like the ham & Jarlsberg croque monsieur, plus ridiculously rich cupcakes and $2 shots of frosting -- served in a martini glass, because even fat people like to feel cute.
7:30pm: IS-Wines 24 W 8th, between 5th Ave and MacDougal; 212.254.7800; 5-8pm Chards and merlots exclusively from vineyards in Long Island -- you'll detect notes of bangs, followed by a subtle finish of riding the train in to wait in line at Marquee.