When you've got a winner, you should name it accordingly, like Triumph Motorcycles, or Success Rice...which it was fine to call Jerry until he was defeated by the truest champion of them all: Tango and Paso Doble virtuoso Drew Lachey. Claiming the win with awesomely low-cost tummy stuffings, Victory Sandwich Bar
Started by "two old bar dudes" who rebuilt the Johnny's Pizza interior entirely by hand, Victory's your new supplier of sub-$5 sammies, boasting a full bar, number-branded plywood tables, a projector screening thinking-man's films (Robocop, Godzilla...), a ping pong table, and a brown leather heavy bag, combining to make it look "like Steve McQueen's sandwich shop" -- fitting, as it'll eventually make you look like The Blob. Slider-sized sandos made using farmers' market meats & Bakeshop buns include the 12-hour-smoked pot roast/horseradish cream "Beast on Yeast", the Baconnaise-topped "New Bomb Turk", the white anchovy "Victory at Sea" w/ lemon mayo, and the salami/ capicola/ speck/ Fontina "Lamborghini", so buy that one if you have a really small penis. The bar's mostly stocking canned domestics, with bottled Stella, and Fat Tire and a few Belgians coming soon; cocktails'll run you no more than $7, and they've even got "adult slushies" including frozen Jack & Coke and a Mexican apple soda w/ Jack called "Jackle Juice", since Jackée really hasn't had much juice since Sister, Sister
Once you tire of the punching bag, play their "Beers for Bolton" challenge, in which you get a free brew if you hear a Michael Bolton song in the bathroom (it has separate audio, and yes, they verify), and you'll soon have a shot at a gratis bar tab for bringing in the best obscure vinyl on "Old Record Night" -- which, like Jerry on Dancing With The Stars, should at least get a few good spins, despite having nothing on Drew's ill Viennese waltz.