Food & Drink

Prepare to be walked through the new Midtown Asian joint by an iPhone app that doesn't really exist

You: Yo, Kiri, I'm hungry, and I want the newest, hottest sushi in the city, and by that, I mean the sushi should still be cold, unless it's supposed to not be, or something. What you got

Kiri: Kiri is the hottest, coldest, newest sushi bar in the city, set inside an eco-sexy space with a wall-tracing white leather banquette, and blades of planted grass above it. Also, you smell fantastic today

You: Cool Water! Check it: I need some quick lunch. What's on the menu?Kiri: Kiri's menu includes awesome cuisine from both Korea and Japan. Which would you prefer?You: Hell, I thought you knew everything! What's up with the Korean?Kiri: Well, a Korean is a person of Korean descent; Korean is also the language of Korea

You: You are certainly hilarious for a smartphone app that's not even real. What kind of Korean eats are we talking about?Kiri: Kiri's bar has bibimbap, with your choice of shrimp, beef, or chicken, rice or even rice noodles, veggies, sauces like sweet peanut and Korean mild pepper, plus a nice selection of nuts, which could also describe people who are still working for Ron Paul's campaign. By the way, you have very strong and masculine hands

You: Yes, my hands are great! What's on the Japanese side?Kiri: Germany and Italy, if this were the 1940s. But currently, the sushi includes rolls like the Cowboy (beef tenderloin wrapped w/ tuna & avocado), plus BBQ calamari and Tonkatsu, or grilled, panko-crusted pork cutlets. Would you like directions, or can I suggest a vegetable roll to go with your dinner? They have teriyaki sweet potato

You: Hell no, I refuse to be poisoned by vegetables. Also Kiri, will you marry me?Kiri: Kiri would be more than happy to go home with you, if you promise to call again. However it would be impossible, or at least very strange, for us to have a sexual relationship. Also, my end user licensing agreement does not cover marriage. My apologies.