Couldn't care less about the NYMEX because you're too busy NOM-EX'ing? Then perhaps you'll care about Barbeque Mercantile: a savory storefront offering everything a pitmaster could need -- from 250+ sauces and rubs, to competition-grade smokers -- helmed by divorced Colorado expats who remain best friends thanks to their love of slow-cooked meat (who says it's unhealthy?). Since the last big decision you made about smokers was when they still had their own sections in restaurants, we asked the merchants for their advice on which rig to go for, depending on how deep you want to dive down the cholesterol-clogged rabbit hole: Just the Tips: Old Smokey's the entry-level move, an under-$200, American-made electric number that "takes the pain away" by ensuring a regulated temperature, as opposed to Peaches, who gets overheated and... well, you've heard the song. Half Rack: Accomplished amateurs should go for a two-in-one lump charcoal grill/smoker that helps you live the Erik Spoelstra dream by ensuring equal heat distribution through a built-in convection effect from its thermal engineer-tested body, allowing you to leave the thing untouched for up to four hours. Whole Hog: Pros ought to go for the wood-pellet-burning Yoder, a 350lb steel behemoth with a fire dampener for creating two dissimilar temperature zones, plus a grill grate that fits directly over the flame for 1000-degree charring without flare-ups, resulting in a crispy but juicy meal so good, it'll make all your EXes happy.