Seriously, this dude wants you to

There's nothing more irresistible than the wiener, except perhaps the Weiner, who must have one hell of a wiener to keep a wife that hot after a scandal involving his #weinerswiener. Diving into phallic food after temporarily leaving restos for the firearms biz: the man behind Bite the Weenie, a 1400sqft "upscale fast food" spot inspired by the owner's hot dog-centric travels. Vienna beef comes in styles including:

N. American: Grab a Chicago (w/ mustard, green relish, onion, pickle, two tomato wedges, sport peppers, celery salt), a New York (grilled onion, 'kraut, brown mustard), Pittsburgh (cheese, chili, raw onion), or the guac/pico/roasted jalapeno Veracruz, a number that won't have proud Patriots singing Hail to the Victor.

Not N. American: Go for a wiener sans frontiers, like the Danish (ketchup, Dijon, raw & crispy fried onion, pickles, "secret" Danish remoulade), the seaweed salad/pickled ginger Tokyo, or the cuke/cilantro/pickled carrot & radish/spicy chili sauce Saigon, which you'll start Miss-ing immediately after your last bite.

The owner also "loves foie gras and wanted something unique" -- hence the croissant-bunned Foie Gras Dog -- and then there's the Mother-in-Law: a cheese-n-chili-smothered "Chicago tamale", which basically looks like a tubesteak. Why isn't there a horny congressman with that name?!