Thou hath never seen the likes of this

Art thou sick of subsisting solely upon frumenty, flummery, and other wheat meal-based foodstuffs when the hunt turns up bare? Dost thou tire of donning the same old frippery each morn with nary a new kirtle or jupon or even a kettle hat in sight? Is your wench all like, "What say you about Lord Chad always taking Lady Stacey out of their stead to drink mead and eat maslin?". Well, my noble lords and land-holding ladies, fear not, perchance your prayers to the gods of ballyhoo and merriment have been answered verily with Excalibur Knights Place. Having voyaged many fortnights by steed-convoy through perilous lands desecrated by Welshmen and other savages, a band of Romanians cobbled together a hundred score, nay, a thousand score halfpennies to procure a tract of land within a page boy's arrow's flight of Staples Hall of Sports, and next to Hooters, which durst to mysteriously replace its magical owl servants with the temptuous daughters of mightily chesty serfs. The dwelling hath all the proper comforts of thy own lord's castle (windows befitting a house of God, sturdy tables that could fit several knights, candles eternally lit through wizardry), as well as magical moving-picture screens as flat as the very Earth measuring several fistmeiles in size, showing yeomen in uniforms of bold, colorful pageantry performing wondrous acts of valor to please their fiefdoms, whilst poxing plagues on the houses of other fiefdoms, most gratuitously the wretched knaves of "Boston". Once spirited inside the gates, thou mayest abandon thy tired frippery and don the noble threads of a true knight or lady-in-waiting, graciously provided by your hosts, whilst using bare hands to stuff thyself full of wings from a plucked chicken cast upon by Merlin's paprika, or slaughtered calf in a cream sauce atop toast points, heralded as King Arthur's Favorite, though if such folly reached Sir Lancelot's ears, I fear the fury of a thousand castrated rams should be unleashed upon this place

If thy quest requires a haste known only to the hare in the field, and the falcon who roams the blue above, they will gladly provision you with "Knights In A Rush" victuals consisting of goulash, schnitzel, or various meats & cheeses dubbed a Knights Snack, which thou should verily exempt your wench from partaking in, if she dost continue blathering about Lord Chad's illuminated manuscripts. As if that were even a trade fit for a man hoping to gain the favor of the nobility! Hearty chuckle!