Something's gotta be big to lure you to the suburbs, like having a kid, or having a kid tell you "you're old and look lame in that Eve 6 tee". Cry, change, and then hit the road for an opening just as momentous: Valley Tap House.
This designated-driver-worthy den (from the guys behind the Lyndale Tap House, of Lyndale Ave) serves 30 crafty drafts and a massive menu of even-craftier eats amidst rough-hewn, greyish plank walls, a risque entryway photo, and tons of Edison bulbs
which are named for a man who is often credited with inventing the light bulb, but interestingly, actually just significantly improved their design. Plus, there's food and beer:
Eat: Three-day-marinated, house-spiced "Baltimore-style pit meat" is served thinly sliced in sammies like the Thai Dragon (pork w/ peanut sauce, bacon, chili sauce) and the Hot Italian Pit (ham and beef w/ mozzarella, onions, marinara). There're also mushroom truffle burgers, a hard cider pork chop, and an array of wood-fired pizzas in addition to starters like Scotch eggs, and ale-steamed "beer mussels", which women procure by doing kegel exercises.
Drink: On top of the full bar, Valley's got a list of tallboys (...it is also printed on menus which are kept around and underneath the bar), a deep swipe of bottles including Lucky Bucket Pre-Prohibition Lager and LB Certified Evil, and 30 taps like Flying Dog Raging Bitch, Lucette Shining Down, and a Dark Horse Scotch ale called Scotty Karate.
As brunch is probably the best time to hit the 'burbs anyway, they'll also have a sick weekend buffet highlighted by a shrimp/ cheesy grits/ smokehouse bacon dish, a "Scottish Breakfast", and "Ye Old Biscuits & Gravy", which some kid probably just shouted at the biscuits for wearing that shirt from the Inside Out tour.