9 Things You Need To Not Get Eaten By A Shark

We can probably agree on two things here:

1) Sharks are intelligent, beautiful animals. 

2) Sharks are scary as all hell.

And while we are in no way advocating the harm of what is essentially the super-charged muscle car of the ocean, if one were to come face to teeth with a denizen of the deep blue sea, we here at Supercompressor feel it's our civic duty to inform the public of the necessary supplies it'll take to go Samuel L. Jackson on its tail. In keeping with this, we’ve tracked down nine items to help you remain uneaten by a shark. And the stuff we found, much like the sharks themselves, is beautiful, powerful, and absolutely terrifying. Some of the simplicity, though, may surprise you...
 

9. SharkShield Freedom 7 (Let the force be with you)
A non-lethal shark deterrent, the SharkShield emits an electric field in the water that causes muscle spasms in the shark's nose, which is apparently annoying enough to banish them further into the depths. Just strap this device onto your ankle, and you're traveling with your own shark-proof forcefield.

8. SharkEx Surfboard (Hang 10, dude, as the sharks see 10x better)
If you’re a surfer (you're not?!), you probably want to paddle out on a SharkEx surfboard. It takes advantage of a shark’s super-sensitive eyes (their vision is about 10x better than humans while underwater) to make your board—and you—look like a lethal fish, and not a snack.

7. Shark Repellent Spray (Be an underwater skunk)
As seen on Shark Week in years past, this aerosol spray releases the smell of rotting shark into the water, sending your assailants swimming in the other direction, because they presumably want to avoid someplace where many other sharks have already died. It’s non-toxic, and could be the difference between life and mealtime. Makes sense to us. 

6. Shark Attack Mitigation System Wetsuit (Dress like a sharkburglar)
Before your deadly encounter, make sure you don this specialized shark-deterrent wetsuit, because sharks think stripes are tacky (I mean, they're not wrong...). The blue patterned suits function as camouflage, effectively hiding you from sharks in the water. Like the surfboard, the old timey jailbird black and white option mimics the appearance of venomous fish that sharks typically stay away from, like the lion fish or the banded sea krait.

5. WASP Injection Knife (Not those wasps, but yes, sharks are elitist monsters, too)
Don’t ever leave this semi-terrifying but definitely valuable tool unsheathed. The WASP Injection Knife shoots a frigid, basketball-sized ball of gas into your sharky foe when you begin stabbing. As a pretty horrific perk, the gas will cause your victim to float to the surface before its lungs and/or organs explode, so you can swim away before the blood in the water attracts other predators. Watch what it does to these watermelons. Gruesome? Yes. Potentially life saving? Hell yes.

4. Bang Stick (Lol)
You don’t want to kill the shark. You just don’t want to be picking pieces of yourself out of its teeth. Meet your underwater firearm, the bang stick (lol). This contraption is loaded with pressurized handgun/shotgun cartridges, and only detonates once it makes direct contact with the target. Because a bullet fired in the water would probably go just a couple feet before falling woefully short of what you’re aiming for.

Bonus: also available in spear gun form. Another bonus: you get to say "bang stick" (lol).

3. Your Fists (Mama said knock you out)
Because if push comes to punch, you’re gonna want to be able to knock this mother out. But in all seriousness, science says go for the eyes, because it’s doubtful you’d be able to punch hard enough to deter a shark underwater. A shark’s eyes are one of the most sensitive spots on its body, and you can at least buy yourself a few moments as it's gathering itself. 

2. Shark Cage (A must. Also a must: Nic Cage starring in Shark Cage; let's make this happen.)
If you absolutely must get in the water, you’ll want to be inside one of these stainless steel puppies. Designed to give you an unobstructed view of your impending bloody death, shark diving cages are (mostly) safe and can (mostly) withstand the pressure of a shark ramming itself against it. Basically, you’d be crazy to hop into the ocean without one.

1. Stay out of the water, you moron (I'm gonna eat ya'll.)
The surest way to protect yourself from getting ingested by these water demons is to just stay the hell away from their home. Duh.


Ali Drucker is the editorial assistant for Supercompressor. She's had an irrational fear of sharks ever since her dad made her watch graphic nature docs at a young age. Follow her on Twitter as she rocks in the fetal position @ali_drucker.

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