The Tactical Christmas Stocking

Full disclosure: Including yours truly, a staggering fourth of Supercompressor's dream team identifies themselves as one of the chosen people—so Christmas is somewhat of a mystery to us. Especially this "stocking" business. You hang a sock full of gifts over the fireplace and then...rejoice? During an unofficial poll with the Christmas-celebrating population of the office, I was told that stockings are typically filled with low-key throwaway presents like candy, underwear, and "smaller socks." Ah. 

Well, for those who've grown tired of this boring piece of Yuletide hosiery, allow this Jew to introduce you to the Tactical Christmas Stocking. 

Coming in the three highly-tactical colors of green, khaki, and camo, this stocking is perfect if you want to find a way to "shake up" the holidays without dying of alcohol poisoning or marring your relationship with your sister by watching Flowers in the Attic. 

Each stocking comes equipped with a handle, hanging hook, and outside draw pocket, and is made from heavy canvas to ensure your military-grade uzi pen doesn't poke through and maim your Aunt's face. Not being biased here, but the most dangerous toy you'll get during Hanukkah is a dreidel.

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and all he wants for Hanukkah is eight copies of Face/Offon VHS.