Full disclosure: Including yours truly, a staggering fourth of Supercompressor's dream team identifies themselves as one of the chosen people—so Christmas is somewhat of a mystery to us. Especially this "stocking" business. You hang a sock full of gifts over the fireplace and then...rejoice? During an unofficial poll with the Christmas-celebrating population of the office, I was told that stockings are typically filled with low-key throwaway presents like candy, underwear, and "smaller socks." Ah.
Well, for those who've grown tired of this boring piece of Yuletide hosiery, allow this Jew to introduce you to the Tactical Christmas Stocking.