Amazon Prime is great, but it's also terrifying. In a matter of clicks, anyone can get semi-illegal-ish drugs and a slew of aggressive-looking knives shipped to their door in just 48 hours. Thanks, Jeff Bezos!
Though these knives aren't that scary in reality—concealable ones are much scarier when you think about it—these 13 Game of Thrones-looking bastards are much more likely to give you some True Detective dreams.
For the record, I wanted to call this article "the 13 knives that'll make you positively shit your pants," but our made-up legal consigliere Leopold Mixworthy started coughing when I told him. Regardless, uncontrollable evacuation of the bowels will happen when you're faced with the business end of these knives.
Model, Influencer & Entrepreneur Lindsey Pelas Reveals Celebrity Pick Up Stories
Price: $12.88 It's hard to believe that only a knife costing just 12 cents shy of a baker's dozen of George Washingtons can pack such a ruthless (and sexy?) punch. This thing not only bears the name of one of the greatest rock and roll aliens of all time, but has seven inches of serrated goodness. Petition to rename this bad boy the David Bowie knife? Yes.
KA-BAR Full Size US Marine Corps Fighting Knife
Price:$62.89 We have nothing but admiration for this ferocious military-grade knife. These guys make a badass-as-heck pocket knife, but it's the bareback fixed blade that gets our motors running. Seven inches, leather handle, 1095 Cro-van steel, and a backstory that literally involves the assassination of a killer bear is something we can get behind. But not in front of.
Boker Swiss Dagger Twisted Damascus
Price:$1,419 There are only 500 of these puppies out in the world, each one handmade and given the utmost TLC. The dagger has four strips of twisted Damascus steel, a high-polished stainless steel hand guard, a custom-sewn sheath, and a Jafar-approved aesthetic. This thing is strong, too, enough to strike fear in the eyes of anyone in its path.
Hunting Survival Tactical Knife
Price:$13.25 If the idea of a camouflage tactical knife sounds as if it were ripped right out of Jeff Foxworthy's dream journal, fear not—it's definitely not too good to be true. This stainless steel blade has some pretty mean lookin' teeth on the back and comes included with a fire starter kit. The only problem is being able to find the damn thing! Dad jokes and camouflage...just like shooting fish in a barrel.
Price:$14.86 You shouldn't judge the book by its cover, but come on, jungle master?! That's the most kickass self-explanatory name for a weapon since flamethrower. With a 10-inch blade, it should be enough to scare deadly anacondas and deadlier anaconda poachers.
Blood Moon Bowie Hunting Knife
Price: $12 This could almost be the perfect name for a movie, no? Blood Moon: Bowie Hunting Knife. Bruce Willis would be in it, he'd play a disgruntled ex-cop knife. Genius film ideas aside, this knife's selling point has the polished wooden handle. It's a beaut! Hard to tell what's prettier: that handle or the curvy stainless steel blade with the serrated spine. Let's ask Bruce Willis, he'll know.
Smith & Wesson SWHRT9B Black HRT Boot Knife
Price:$16.97 What could go wrong with a knife made by gun manufacturers? Smith & Wesson's boot knife is everything you ever wanted to have hidden in your boot after viewing basically any action movie made in the past five decades. Double-edges spearpoint blade, black aluminum handle, and just a meager seven ounces. They won't even see it coming—unless you forget you have it on you in an airport. Don't do that.
MTECH USA Mt-588 Series Neck Knife
Price: $7.42 Look at this girthy little bastard. Its handle looks like an old grenade and its stainless steel blade resembles the top of a spear. The choady Mt-588 features a large thumbhole in the handle to ensure you don't lose your grip on this thing as you're jabbing, stabbing, slicing, and doing whatever else it is that you do.
Price: $34.02 There's something unsettling about a short, sharp blade. It's almost like the sharpness of the knife makes up for the small length—like how you just know Danny DeVito is an absolute stallion in the sack. Taking its namesake after the Japanese word for "soldier," the Kobun Tanto steel knife is only 9.8 inches total, but has a reinforced point that's highly resistant to breakage. It's small, light, and fast. Like Danny DeVito on a Segway.
Fantasy Scorpion Dagger Blade
Price:$28.95 We promise this is the only "fantasy" knife you'll find on this list, but that doesn't make it any less nuts than the rest of the brood. 13.5 inches is very real and there's no denying that this thing has a mean look.
Ontario Knife Ns 6
Price: $89.99 This thing spells out pure unadulterated business. That jet-black blade and wooden handle isn't a combination to be messed with. At a quarter inch thick, you're definitely going to feel the sting of the Ontario knife. Ironic, since one typically thinks of Ontario residents as super-friendly maple syrup drinkers.
Cold Steel 80NTP Chaos Double Edge Knife
Price:$60 This thing is almost too ridiculous to be true—just look at the name. The Cold Steel Chaos knife takes inspiration from the trench knives used in the two World Wars and is meant to cause as much damage as possible to armored-up soldiers. Resistant to corrosion and incredibly secure, nothing's safe from this seven-inch monster.
Price: $11.59 Throwing knives satisfy two childhood feelings: the pride of owning a knife and the joy of throwing stuff at the wall, your friends, and cars. These nine inch-long stainless steel blades work best when launched, but come in a sturdy nylon sheath for those distinctly boring times when you're not throwing these.
Jeremy Glass is a writer for Supercompressor and likes throwing all sorts of objects at people.