Surgical Masks For Fashion-Conscious Germaphobes

We get pitched the weirdest stuff here at Supercompressor. Some are good, some are bad, some straddle that line in a bizarre purgatory known as "good-bad." The MyAir Advanced Filtration Mask straddles that line so hard that we honestly think someone's going to get pregnant or at least forced into a new lease on a 2015 Ford Focus.

Regardless, there are some pret-ty bad diseases going around and protecting yourself against something like Ebola isn't as far-fetched as it was back in the '90s—otherwise known as "The Era of Killer Bees."

Okay, so let's dive into these beautiful monstrosities. They actually work by reducing moisture loss by 88%—which is apparently the leading cause of jet lag—and blocking 99.997% (their stats, not ours) of viruses, bacteria, allergens & contaminants from entering your orifices.

Despite the fact that jet lag can be easily conquered by a little white pill that can increase your brain function and help you write encyclopedias, it is a tad easier to slip on a face mask. Be prepared to have people point and laugh at you, but find solace in the fact that they will be the ones who die from sh*tting themselves when cholera finally makes its comeback. 

There are nine—nine!—designs to choose from, including camouflage and newspaper print. You know, just to cement the idea that you have no control over your life. The fabric is lightweight and machine-washable, which will save you the hassle and ensuing humiliation of picking up your phone and uttering the words: "Yes, I'd like to buy some more designer filtration face masks, please." 

According to these wonderful images we were sent, you can run barefoot in the overwhelmingly hot Nevada desert while comfortably wearing the MyAir filtration mask.

Do you know how many harmful viruses live in the desert? Because we don't. Could someone shed a little light on this sandy mystery? 

Not to be crass, but we're inclined to think these masks not only aid in the act of sex, but enhance it. Do you see how these two are posing? Is there any evidence to suggest that she didn't spend the entire flight riding this wily-eyed clydesdale like a stallion? Why do you think she's so tired? 

Their guttural moans of pleasure just echoing through the back of the plane as the dude's actual wife slowly dies from respiratory failure in their suburban living room from scarlet fever. 

Anyway, buy these face masks or die from cholera. 

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and can't wait until his mask arrives in the mail.