12 Eponymous Celebrity Products We Wish Existed (Nic Cage's Cages!)

During the SARS outbreak in late 2002, Stockholm International Film Festival Best Actor Award-winner Peter Sarsgaard appeared on Saturday Night Live, hawking the "SARS guard." Of course, the size of the outbreak paired with the fact that it was a joke deflated the product's realization.

Apropos of absolutely nothing, that commercial came back to me last week and I couldn't help but think of several other eponymous business ventures for various celebrities to start endorsing. So here they are.

1. Hugh Jackman: Huge Jacked Man Workout DVDs

Have you ever riffled through the first few pages of a People mag? Clearly this man can lift. Capitalizing with some DVDs might do the trick. Or a YouTube series? Monetize that with some ads—preferably the ones with the skip after five seconds button—and donate that to charity. How is this not a thing yet?

2. Sting's Scorpion Anti-Venom

Dude is sitting on a gold mine.

3. The Sean Pen

Sometimes the obvious choice is the right one.

4. Seth Rogen's Free Range Rogue Hens

Seth Rogen is healthier and thinner of late, perhaps due to a better diet of fish and free range chicken!  He should spread the love and use his name to evangelize. Seth Rogan's Free Range Rogue Hens really rolls off the tongue, and into your stomach.

5. Elton's Johns

"Someone saved my life tonight."

6. Barry Bonds's Bail Bonds

Barry's name probably can't sell much to the general public, but to people in jail? Well, they understand what he's done and can forgive, especially if he can help 'em knock those charges out of the park. A bail bonds business is a great way of supporting innocent people—which they are, because they haven't been proven guilty yet. 

7. Daniel Radcliffe's Rad Cliffs

Daniel Radcliffe may be short (5'5''), but he has a decent upper body and should use it to market a chain of rock climbing gyms. It's just good business sense.

8. Richard Gere Gears

Move over, Campagnolo. Go home, SRAM. Sell the shop, Shimano. There's a new drivetrain in town. It's a little Buddhist, very handsome, and comes in gray.

9. Donald Glover's Gloves

There's something really great about a rapper promoting a very wholesome product that's not about opulence or something violent. This would be great choice and good side biz for Don.

10. Nic's Cages

From baseball fields to Seth Rogen's free range chicken, there's no shortage of cage needs across this great country. Come on, Nic, we all know you could use some extra cash flow

11. Tom's Cruises

Healthy food, exercise, possible plastic surgery, and some anti-psychiatry alien space worship are included in every package. Also, a smile.

12. Jeff Goldblum's Gold Plums

Why call them apricots when you could have Jeff Goldblum sell them?

Ethan Wolff-Mann is an editor at Supercompressor. If he were a celebrity (or, more of one), he'd endorse Wolf Man costumes. Immediately. Follow him on Twitter @ewolffmann.

Our Newsletter
By Signing Up, I Agree to the Terms and Privacy Policy.